Glam, Glitz & Gut

New Blog, Check It Out

2012-01-13T21:04:00.000-05:00

Hey Lovers,

If you have a quick sec, check out my new blog:
http://erinsdoingit.wordpress.com/

:)
-Erin

New Blog, For Reals

2011-11-30T16:26:00.005-05:00

Hey guys,

I made a new blog. I'm going to keep this one up for a while and then probably make it private. I've been feeling the need to start anew lately. I've had so many ups and downs on this blog, and this is where I met a whole bunch of really awesome people. I'll always keep it because its where I started, I just need my past a little more outta sight than outta mind.

Check me out over at, www.erinsdoingit.wordpress.com. I've added a widget that allows you to follow my blog via email.

:)

Love,
Erin

P.S I'll still be reading your posts and commenting via Google Reader :)

No Time Like The Present

2011-11-14T14:27:00.001-05:00

Hi Friends,

I’ve lost my blogging mojo! I don’t know where it’s gone but I hope I find it soon!

For every post that I’m focused and determined, there’s 10 where I’m lost and indifferent. I’ve spent FAR too much time being lost and indifferent.

Not meeting my Halloween goal threw me off, I got a bit too confident there and went a bit wayward.

I’m going to make a new goal board, with all the gains and no-posts out of sight.

The truth is, as much as I dislike my body, it’s the body I’ve known forever. It’s comfortable, and I think part of that is why I’m not progressing either. I’m afraid of taking the risk and changing everything that I know, everything that is comfortable. However, I know major changes have to be made for a better me.

It is. Like, right now.

Blogland is Quiet & A Real Update

2011-11-03T11:55:00.001-04:00

Hi Blogging Buddies,

Ok, is it just me or is Blogland oh-so quiet, like the Bjork song?

A lot of my fav blogs have gone on hiatus, which happens to all of us. So, any good, fun blogs that you guys read that you think I’d enjoy?

How are you all doing?

I’ve been so busy emailing/phoning/harassing people at school just to get some black and white answers, it’s been super annoying. I can be a very impatient person so this run around is driving me nuts. Hopefully I can get some definite answers soon! I’m SO ready to go back to school!

As for the weight loss, things have been a mix of good and bad. The good is that I’ve been losing, consistently. The bad is that I haven’t been tracking and I didn’t meet my Halloween goal, super bummed about that. So while I have been losing, I’m not very happy with myself about being so slack with all the healthy habits I know work. I know that without exercising those healthy habits, even though I might be losing now, doesn’t mean I’ll be consistently losing till December or January. Sometimes I don’t get me. As it’s been said a gazillion times, losing weight isn’t rocket science, lots of people have done it, it’s possible so why am I still dragging my heels like I don’t think it will happen for me?

I was at school yesterday to submit some things and get this ball rolling. I went once before a month ago but its been years since I was there before that. Yesterday I was awkward. Walking up 4 flights of stairs left me close to breathless. I was tugging on my clothes, trying my hardest to hide behind my massive purse. I was on my phone, with my earbuds in listening to my iPod. I wasn’t smiling, I didn’t look around, I had tunnel vision. Totally unapproachable. And why? For what? Obviously I felt insecure and that makes me go into shut down mode, not okay.

If the only thing that is going to make me feel more comfortable is losing weight (and forcing myself to stop acting like an idiot), I better get serious (for the 200th time, honestly).

I know that when school starts I’m doing to busy, that’s a given. When I was in school before I was busy too but I made time for things. I took weekends off to be with my best friend. I made time to do things with my mama and my siblings because they’re my whole world. I still talked to my boyfriend everyday. On breaks, in class, on my way home, at night. I fit everything in. A healthy lifestyle HAS to fit in there. I’m going to have to remember to pack healthy lunches and snacks, have my tracker with me, and have my 1L water bottle with me.

I’m going to dedicate November to fully embracing a healthy lifestyle.

Yay!

Two Missed Weigh Ins, Oops

2011-10-31T14:08:00.003-04:00

Hey Everyone,

I've been a horrible blogger, I'm sorry. To be honest, things have been a bit quiet on my blog and I've been pretty busy. I'm down -4.6 in two weeks and I'm pretty pleased about that. However, there's more work to do and I need to get serious before the holiday season is upon us (as well as all the excuses).

I've been celebrating Halloween all weekend and I'm super excited to go trick or treating with my siblings, cousin, mom and aunt tonight.

I'll be back soon with Halloween pictures and all that fun stuff. I hope you all have a fun Halloween!!!

I’m Gonna DO It. That’s The Plan.

2011-10-16T14:54:00.001-04:00

Do you deny yourself?

Not in the sense of denying yourself ice cream or that to die for Betsey Johnson purse (because its SO expensive&you’re unemployed&contrary to what you might think, you will not die without it). I’m talking about denying yourself love from the person it should come from unconditionally, you.

Sometimes I get so consumed with what I’m not. I often don’t think I’m smart enough to fully understand the articles in Macleans (a Canadian newsy magazine). I’m not Kardashian perfect. Yes, I know they’re not perfect but I would commit terrible sins to have one of their bodies (despite do it the hard way). I bite my nails, I’m not that girl with THE perfect manicure, there’s always a hang nail or a thumb print in my nail polish because I’m too impatient for it to dry. I’m shit at yoga, despite my yearning to be really good at it. I’m not a well traveled person (and even though some people think it’s terribly unworldly, I loved Disney and I would totally go back at the drop of a hat). I’m not a UofT alumni (UofT is to Canada what Harvard is to the states). I’m not the perfect girlfriend. I’m insecure and moody and harder to figure out than a Rubiks cube at times.

What I need to do is work on shit. I worked on trying really hard to get back into school. I’m trying really hard to get this program coordinator to reply to my emails, or see me so she can sign my admittance form so I can take it to the registrar’s office to I can fax it to OSAP so I can get all the school monies…JKNLSDFNJKRGANJGIUO4NGWKNJSNSDMK. Totally working on my patience too. When my 8 year old sister insists that a Kit Kat and two handfuls of sweet and salty popcorn is an appropriate dinner, I don’t yell anymore. My the man doesn’t tell me where he’s going and doesn’t answer his phone, I still BBM him with ‘Have a good night, talk later’ not ‘you’re a fucking fuck, don’t call me’.

However, there’s lots I still need to work at.

Losing weight. Martha. How long have I wasted? Yet, I’m forever worrying. What if I get really sick? What if I get diabetes? If I lose all this weight, will I have ugly tits? If I lose this weight, will I need skin surgery? It’s going to take forever and ever. What if I’m 30 and still fat?
I’m still battling why I haven’t been able to fully commit.

I think instead of waiting for my big a-ha moment, I just need to do it. I know I blogged about the fact that I’m not successful because deep down, I believe in my heart of hearts I won’t do it. Maybe I just need to wake up and do it. Go to bed and pat myself on the back for doing it that day. Repeat over and over and over. Just do it. Just get through 24 hours of doing it, rest well knowing I did it that day.

I also have to remind myself that for all that I’m not, there’s a lot that I am.

Tomorrow I’m going to weigh in, blog, and do it. And keep doing it till I’m a better me. And love myself more in the process. Yup, that’s the plan.

Bad/Fun Long Weekend & GTFO Pies!

2011-10-12T12:44:00.001-04:00

Hey Friends,

I’ve been distant, my apologies. I had a busy week/weekend..

Friday I spent with the man eating pizza, drinking beer and sucking face at this dive bar.

Saturday I baked and cooked and was miserable. Then I went to this gay/Latin/hodge podge club with low ceilings and cheap drinks. I don’t know about you lovely people, but I can only dance when I’ve been drinking. Needless to say I was a drinking and dancing fool that night.

My family celebrates Thanksgiving on Sunday. I ate too much stuffing with gravy and got all turkey, potatoes, stuffing, turnip and gravy pregnant. We played games and talked and it was fabulous. At 11pm I went to the best friends house and we watched horror movies and drank more wine.

On Monday Shameela and I cooked all day. We also watched Keeping Up With the Kardashians while I stared disdainfully down at my un-Kim Kardashain like belly, all day. Then I got stuffed all over again. I came home at midnight and talked to the man and got sexy till 4am.

Needless to say when I got up on Tuesday, the very last thing I wanted to do was get on the scale. I knew I had a really bad long weekend.

The results ….+2.2lbs.

Well, what can I say? I messed up and had a bad weekend. A glitch along the way. I’m not going to get mad, I’m going to keep doing what I can do to do better.

What I am going to do is go into my fridge, gather the pumpkin, blueberry, apple caramel and cherry pie, the carrot cake and the brownies and calmly, but firmly tell them to

Modifications and Monday Weigh In

2011-10-03T19:37:00.001-04:00

Hey Bloggers,

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. I spent all weekend with family and friends, busy busy busy.

I tend to get a little bit reckless on the weekend. I completely forget about weighing on Monday and usually go over my points, if I even track at all.

This weekend I consumed some not so healthy eats. A cheeseburger and fries, a slice of veggie pizza, a pumpkin spice latte, a vanilla latte and macaroni and cheese. BUT I made some modifications.

I knew I was going on last weekend so all week I tried to balance things out. Not so many carbs, some healthier options etc. Friday night I ate macaroni and cheese. Instead of eating half the box, I ate a cup. Instead of adding a whole hot dog to it (I cant resist the street meat people!! :(), I only had half. On Saturday I had a cheeseburger and fries. I ate that because I had an apple for breakfast and I didn’t have the chocolate milkshake with it (which I wanted but knew wouldn’t be a good idea) and as for the lattes, both were made with non fat milk and natural sweeteners.

Even with all the modifications, I was still nervous to weigh in this morning. But that’s no surprise, I’m nervous every Monday!

The results…

-2.6 lbs! I’m pleased. I’m at the lowest weight I’ve been since June. To be honest, I was kind of hoping for a bigger loss but I understand why it wasn’t. I’m focusing on moving the scale in the direction I want it to, whether its a 2.6 loss or a 5.8 loss. Losing is losing, one step closer to my goals.

Thanksgiving for us Canadians is this weekend and I’m planning on modify my weekly eats so I can enjoy myself on Sunday (when we celebrate).

I’m working on another post but my thoughts are scattered and its just not coming together. I’ll be posting in the next few days.

Mindblowing, No?

2011-09-28T21:10:00.001-04:00

I’m not under the influence or anything….but this….is just….mindblowing….no?

When you just know it won’t be a loss…

2011-09-26T18:33:00.001-04:00

Hello Blogging Lovebugs,

I hope you all had a great weekend. On Saturday I did a bunch of running around, went to my aunts for dinner and spent the night with the man in a hotel downtown. On Sunday me and my family went apple picking then everyone came over for dinner and games. All in all a fun weekend.

I woke up with really bad tummy cramps and what felt like a caved in back. I also had the heaviest head. After apple picking and family dinner at my place last night, I decided to read a bit before bed. At 3am I finally finished the book I was reading (Room by Emma Donoghue, which was fantastic by the way!!! So heartbreaking but hopeful at the same time, a must read) and crashed. 6:00am came far too quick! So I stepped on the scale and saw that I only lost .5 pounds. Not bad but not ideal. If this maintaining business keeps up I wont make my Halloween goal. That is totally out of the question.

I did mention in my last blog post that I needed to up the water. Based on the water calculator website I used, I should be drinking 4.8L a day. That’s a lot of water! I’m going to stick with 3 for now and slowly add more and more once I get in the routine of drinking all 3L.

This week I’m going to track everything, drink at least 3L a day and treadmill for at least 3 hours this week.

I’m off to mix my overnight oats. I bought some pumpkin and I’m really looking forward to planned breakfasts again. I want to get in the routine of structured meals and snacks, I do not plan on relying on fast food when I start school. Too many impulsive options, too many unhealthy options and too much money! I’ll be brown bagging it, thank you very much.

I’ll be back soon guys, have a wonderful week!

More Water and Big News!!!

2011-09-22T20:01:00.001-04:00

Hello Blogging Buddies,

I hope you are all doing exceptionally well this week.

I’ve been trying to increase my water intake. I have been slacking off and I find I don’t drink enough unless I’m constantly reminding myself to. I’ve tried tons of methods to ensure that I’ve had my 1-3L. Filling up a water jug and keeping it in the fridge. That didn’t work because the whole family took it upon themselves to drink out of it. That didn’t do a damn thing for my control issues. I also find that buying a case of water and drinking 2-6 bottles was wasteful and not very green friendly. I might buy a white board magnet, put it on the fridge and mark my intake that way.

Whichever way, I definitely need to drink more. I’ve noticed that my face isn’t as clear as it once was, I’m getting more and more headaches, a general blah feeling….all of which I can chalk up to not getting enough h2o. I do also notice a correlation between my weight loss and my water intake. Tomorrow I’m going to make a point of drinking 1L before 9:00am.

I’ve got big news, blogging friends!!! I’m starting school in January!!! I’m finishing off the program I started, Advertising. I’ve been not-so patiently waiting to hear from the dean and my program advisor for about a month. After emails, phone conversations and meetings, I finally got word that I was accepted today. I’ve been wanting to blog about it so badly! I’ve been relying on the people around me to calm me the hell down. I’m such a worrier and I was almost positive I was either going to give myself a stutter or a bleeding ulcer from waiting for the news. I really wanted to blog about it but because I’m superstitious, I didn’t want to jinx myself. I’m REALLY happy, excited and oh-so ready to go back.

I’m also nervous. I know I swore I wouldn’t revolve everything around the way I look but I really don’t want to go back to school at this size. You know what that means? I’ve gotten that fire under my butt lit again. I’ve got 3 and a half months to really make some progress and accomplish all of my goals from now to January. You know I’m all about a good revamp!

I’m ready to make some serious changes and improvements in my life and can’t wait to track my progress for the next (really important) 3 and a half months.

Getting It Together

2011-09-19T20:07:00.001-04:00

Hey Bloggers,

I’ve been MIA, my apologies. I’ve been back and forth to doctors, xray labs and the hospital. At one point, the walk in doctor I saw was sure I had a blood clot in my leg. Insert panic! Turns out I’ve got bronchitis, pneumonia, 2 small hairline fractures in my tibia and an additional pocket of infection. I’m on medication and braces for my leg and things seem to be getting better. Yay for modern medicine.

I did weigh in last week, I saw a 2 pound gain, stepped one two more times and saw three different numbers. I was frustrated and felt a bit defeated but I shook it off and got it together.

Today’s weigh day, I stepped on the scale three times and saw the same number all three times. That number is a 1.6 loss from last week’s first number I saw.

Not great, but not horrible. I shook it off, got it together and I’m going to have a wonderful week.

Hope you guys do too!

More About Me

2011-09-09T11:39:00.001-04:00

1.Five ways to win your heart
Cook for me, watch my crappy TV shows/movies with me sans complaints, make me laugh, be romantic, be thoughtful

2.Something you feel strongly about
Civil rights and equal opportunity rights

3.A book you love
Jemima J by Jane Green. Out of all the books I have read, that one popped into my brain. Its no Pulitzer Price winner but it’s lovely.

4.Favourite colour to paint your nails?
Red

5.Things you want to say to an ex
I hope you’ve sorted out your priorities now, your next girlfriend will appreciate that. You are an amazing man, I wish you love and happiness.

6.Your views on mainstream music
Music is great, till it hits the radio. Then it gets played 20 times a day.

7.Five pet peeves
People who refuse to agree to disagree (Ok, enough, I dont want to argue with you, can you not see that?), people who don’t cover their mouths while sneezing and coughing in public (seriously lady, you’ve just sneezed into that mans hair, where were you raised?), people who call you and say “who’s this?”(Excuse me? Who is this? Ignoramus), those who try to sugar coat their passive aggression (no, you’re not just honest, you’re a bitch) and people who stand in a line for 15 minutes, get to the cash AND THEN start debating what to get (asdflkjkhddssdjdjdfsjjkdds!!!!$%&@!!!!!!)

8.What you ate today
Orange juice, spaghetti, 5 cups of tea and 3 onion rings

9.How important you think education is
I think education is really important. I think school doesn’t always = education, thought. Depends on the person and their circumstance.

10.Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play
1. Le Tigre – Decetacon
2. Pink Floyd – Mother
3. Moby – Love Should
4. Mavado – Delilah
5.The Misfits – Helena
6. The Black Keys – Next Girl
7. Harry Belafonte – Jump In The Line
8. Drake – Marvins Room
9. Fleetwood Mac – Silver Springs
10. Smashing Pumpkins – Disarm

11.Your family..
is very, very important to me.

12.Five men and woman you find attractive
Boys: Mark Wahlberg, Alexander Skarsgard, Brad Pitt, Olivier Martinez, Jason Momoa
Women: Christina Hendricks, Julianne Moore, Kate Winslet, Amanda Seyfried, Sofia Vergara

13.Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it
Not too comfortable, but I’m working on it

14.What you wore today
Gray hoodie, black leggings, rainbow slipper boots

15.Your zodiac and if you think it fits your personality
I’m a Gemini, born in the year of the dragon, both describe me well

16.Something you always think “what if…” about
I don’t really like to do that, there’s no point and it will drive you crazy

17.Something you are proud of
The relationship I have with my mom

18.A problem that you have had
Biting my tongue

19.Five items you lust after
Burberry spiked trench coats, Christian Louboutin pumps, iPhone 5, a massive book collection and fat free love handles

20.Your fears
Ending up alone and miserable with 5 miserable cats.

21.How you hope your future will be like
Happy, surrounded by love, doing something I’m passionate about, with no back fat.

22.Something that you miss
Being stress free.

23.Five words/phrases that make you laugh
Bullocks, discombobulated, genitals, coagulate and its not really a phrase but I was at a family friends house and she was telling us what a bad husband she has because he wont plant tulips in the garden for her. He was making a drink with a smoke hanging out of his mouth and he replied “You can plant your tulips. You can plant them on my ass”. It was really, really funny.

24.Do you talk politics?
I do, with the right crowd.

25.Things you like and dislike about yourself
I like that I’m open minded, I dislike that I can be impatient

26.A quote you try to live by
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world." A Canadian politician Jack Layton ended his letter to Canadians with this, it was released after this death. I think its so beautiful and something we should all aspire to do.
and

27.Somewhere you’d like to move or visit
I love the province and city I live in so I don’t think I’d like to live anywhere else. I’d like to visit Vancouver, New York City, California, Italy, Paris, Bali…I dream of travel.

28.Five weird things you like
Pickles in my coleslaw, the smell of a cigarette when its first lit, my night owl boyfriend calling and waking me up every night for 2 years between 12-5am, peeling apples, brushing my teeth

29.One thing you’re excited for
Halloween. My best friend and I throw a big party at her house and it’s always really fun and I’m looking forward to putting last Halloween far behind me.

30.10 simple pleasures
-watching my cats sunbathe
-the smell and feel of newly laundered bedding
-going through the guide and finding an awesome movie that’s about to come on
-when he calls me babe
-listening to my sister laugh
-getting ‘how are you’ texts
-getting my magazines in the mail
-going to the mall and getting something just for you, just because
-listening to songs with lots of swearing in them
-freshly painted nails

31.What are you doing right now?
Sitting here with some whitestrips on my teeth and tissue stuffed up my nose.

64 Random Questions

2011-09-08T13:45:00.001-04:00

Hi Guys,

Came across this silly little questionnaire, thought I’d fill it out..

1. What is your middle name?
Lynn, all my names end in n, like a storybook character
2. How big is your bed?
Queen, I fully plan on purchasing a king sized when I get married, play house with someone. I’m not a fan of cuddling in my sleep, breathing someone else’s hot sleep breath.
3.What are you listening to right now?
My new favourite song, When Your Love is Safe by Active Child
4. What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?
0602
5. What was the last thing you ate?
Spaghetti
6. Last person you hugged?
My mama
7. How is the weather right now?
Cold, dreary, very un-fall like
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My Asian Sensation, N
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Their smile, I’m big on smiles
10. Favorite type of Food?
Greek, I love gyros and Greek salads
11. Do you want children?
They’re a pain in the ass and they sling snot like monkeys but I want a boy and a girl.
12. Hair color?
Brown. The shade and highlight colour varies.
13. Do you wear contacts?
I used to wear blue coloured contacts, not anymore.
14. Favorite holiday?
Christmas. Picture the movie Christmas Vacation, that’s my mom.
15. Favorite Season?
Fall
16. Have you ever cried over a love lost?
Who hasn’t? Too long and too hard.
17. Last Movie you watched?
The Roomate
18. What books are you reading?
Harry Potter and the Prisoner or Azkaban and Middlesex, again
19. Piercings?
I used to be a pin cushion (7), now I only wear earrings.
20. Favorite Movie?
Oh, there are so many but probably, The Wizard of Oz. I know 92% of all the lines.
21. Favorite sport teams?
Not a big sports girl, but I rep the Toronto Maple Leafs because it feels like the right thing to do.
22. What were you doing before filling this out?
Watching The Roomate
25. Favorite animal?
Elephants
26. Favorite drink?
Non alcoholic, cream soda. Alcoholic, strawberry daiquiri or a sweet blush Moscato wine.
27. Favorite flower?
Peony
28. Have you ever loved someone?
I love a lot of people. I’ve been in love once before and I’m presently dans l'amour.
30. What color are your bedroom walls?
Muted sunshine yellow
31. Have you ever fired a gun?
No. They scare the wits out of me.
32. Do you like to travel by plane?
I’ve only been on a place twice, both times I was sure my eardrums were going to burst, so no, not really
33. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right handed, right brained
34. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
Bali, Italy or Disneyland
35. Are you missing someone?
No one I can think of.
36. Do you have a tattoo?
Yup, three stars on my foot
38. Are you hiding something from someone right now?
Yes
40. What is the wallpaper on your cellphone?
A picture of my brother and sister
42. Favorite hangout?
My best friends basement ,my cousin’s downtown condo or my grandparents house
43. 3 things you can't live without?
My family, the internet, music
44. Favorite songs?
Far too many to list. I do listen to at least one Bob Marley song a day, though.
45. What are you afraid of?
Open water, dying, birds
46. Are you a giver or a taker?
Both. I give more than take though.
47. What are your nicknames?
I don’t really have any, E or Taco Belle (by my best friend)
48. What is your mom's middle name?
Louise
49. What do you sleep in?
T shirt and really baggy pajama pants
50. Stuck on a deserted island, and can only bring one thing?
A burly man?
51. Do you vote?
Yes. I take voting very seriously and in the last couple years I’ve gained an interest in both Canadian and American politics.
52. First thing you'll save in a fire?
My siblings and pets
53. What is your favorite color?
I actually like all colours, I’m a weirdo
54. What are the things you always bring with you?
Lip balm, cell phone
55. What did you want to be when you were a kid?
Everything. An interior designer, a veterinarian, a radio personality
56. What do you usually do when the alarm turns on?
Turn that noise off quickly
57. What color are your bedsheets?
Gray
58. Who do you want to meet?
Sarah Jessica Parker or Oprah
59. What do you think about before you go to bed?
Sweet, sweet sleep
60. Are you religious?
I’m spiritual
61. Tea or coffee?
Tea, I love coffee but it gives me an anxious belly
62. Do you have any allergies?
None that I know of
63. How many pillows do you sleep with?
5
64. Any weird quirks?
I have plenty. I have to wash my bed sheets once a week. Putting hand cream on without washing them first grosses me out. I can’t sleep if my hair isn’t in a pony tail…..yeah, I know, right?

Feeling Good > Feeling Bad

2011-09-06T20:20:00.002-04:00

Bonjour mes amis les blogs,

As per my blog title, I want to talk about how feeling good is better than feeling bad. Obvious, right? Of course feeling good is better than feeling bad, and I don’t want to speak for everyone, but a lot of people don’t feel good, a lot. Whether that’s feeling unwell emotionally, physically or mentally. I’m guilty of not feeling well a lot. And it sucks. And I’m changing all that, here’s how:

I used to struggle with my emotions. I remember talking about them being all out of whack on this blog (what seems like years ago). I remember thinking that I must have had some kind of chemical imbalance. It couldn’t be normal to feel such great highs and then such low lows. But, why not? The human brain is amazing, capable of many things. Now, I accept them. I accept all my emotions. If I feel like crying I don’t dig my fingernails into my palms, squeeze my eyes shut and try to stop it anymore, I just cry. If I’m sad I’ll allow myself to be sad for a bit. Emotions are what make us human so I’m choosing to embrace mine instead of being embarrassed by them.

Positive mental attitude is a psychological term which describes a mental phenomenon in which the central idea is that one can increase achievement through optimistic thought processes. PMA implies that one has a vision of good natured change in one's mind; it employs a state of mind that continues to seek, find and execute ways to win, or find a desirable outcome, regardless of the circumstances. It rejects negativity, defeatism and hopelessness. Part of the process of achieving PMA employs motivating "self talk" and deliberate goal-directed thinking. – via Wikipedia.

Constant negative thoughts are toxic. I was getting sick of always being angry and negative about things, and really, what for? I’m not saying that I’m an all positive thinking, guru like person on some celestial level. I’m just trying to be better. I’m also trying to say daily affirmations again, I find they help and ward off ‘self hate speak’.

Physically, well, that’s been a slower process. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I can’t eat fatty and oily foods as much as I once could/would. My gallbladder does not like it very much. When I was first diagnosed with gall~~cannons~~ stones I didn’t change my diet all that much. After many painful attacks I finally came to terms with it. Foods that I once loved and made a weekly feature are now a monthly feature (or less). After Dr.Bernstein I swore I would never demonize a food group or deprive myself again. Because of that I only eat what I truly enjoy, a real indulgence.Cheap fundraising chocolate has been replaced with Lindt, Godiva or Cadbury. McDonalds just doesn’t compare to a 5 Guys burger. I’m learning to budget and allocate my points, maximizing every last point.

When my family and I went to The Ex there was TONS of food to be had. Deep fried twinkies, Mars bars, brownies, Cherry Cola, butter, mac and cheese. Donut burgers, a cheeseburger between two grilled cheese sandwiches, a sausage and egg poutine. Crazy stuff. I decided I really wanted a donut burger. Was it the most responsible of dinners? No. Had I been thinking of it since I heard about it in July? Yes. I had all my 35 weekly points and I had only used 6 points from that day. So I ate it. And tracked it. And moved on. Did I have anything else? No. I was quite content with what I ate and I considered that my indulgence. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but the ‘old’ me would have used that day (or weekend) to have a junk food marathon.

I’m trying my very hardest to not hate the reflection I see when I walk by a mirror. I leave the house feeling fabulous, part of this is because I see myself smaller in my mind. I’ll be walking around the mall when, bam, I see myself in a window reflection (looking not so fabulous and gargantuan). That’s a tough pill to swallow. But it’s okay. I’m changing that. I just need to keep thinking positively and continuing to motivate myself.

I used to talk about bottling motivation. It’s a great feeling. Unfortunately for me, it’s gone as soon as it comes, like a wisp of smoke. Motivation feels as great as actually losing the weight does. Maybe that’s the key, you need to keep working at either being motivated or finding it. Why not keep that feeling alive? I’d much rather feel motivated and excited about losing weight than feeling like a failure and then eat a row of chocolate chip too ‘make myself feel better’.

I plan on keeping at it. Everything. Being positive, being mindful and present and being motivated.

P.S Thank you all for your kind comments, I appreciate every one.

Labour Day, Autumn’s New Years Eve & Weigh In

2011-09-05T16:56:00.001-04:00

Hey Blogging Bunnies,

Happy Labour Day! I hope everyone is having a relaxing day.

Labour day, to me, always feels like autumn’s New Years Eve. A day to spend doing the things you feel you need to do but didn’t have time to all summer. Every Monday, new month or new season can be a fresh start so I’m using the beginning of September to restart. There’s so much pressure on January 1st, I find. I usually end up feeling like the biggest failure on the face of the earth. I cry over all the time I threw away doing nothing about my weight. It’s horrible. On the other hand, the beginning of summer is always stressful for me as well. It seems like every commercial and advertisement is talking about getting ‘bikini ready’. As if it would take months and not years for me. Plus you have to deal with skirts and shorts and showing skin. For someone who has never been comfortable in hers, it can be horrible. I hate that. I hate feeling like crap come every new season, holiday or month. But somehow, this feels different. I can wear the clothes I feel most comfortable in and I still have 3 months to get a head start of a new healthy lifestyle. Maybe this New Years Day I’ll feel accomplished and empowered. That would be nice.

Today I took advantage of my ‘fresh start’ feeling and thoroughly cleaned my room. I went through all my clothes and donated what I don’t wear and clothes that were too big. 2 full garbage bags, gone. There were a couple pieces that I loved, pieces that were comfortable but terribly baggy. So why hold onto them? I bought some clothes when I went to Pennsylvania that will be comfortable AND showcase all the shrinking I plan on doing.

Hitting my first weight related goal (-10lbs down before my PA shopping trip) gave me all the confidence I need to believe that I will make my next weight related goal, Halloween. I’d love to be down 20 pounds by the Monday before Halloween and I’m quite sure that I will be.

I weighed in this morning the same way I do every Monday, nervous. it doesn’t matter if I track and treadmill all week, I’m always nervous.

Well……….

I’m down 5.8 pounds this week!!!!!!! I’m delighted and I’m starting to feel in control and willing and ready to accept my new lifestyle. One where I value and take care of myself. Where tracking is a way to monitor and log the nutrients that I’m consuming to benefit my body and not some kind of slow, self torture. I plan on tracking all week and treadmilling for 30 minutes at least 4 times this week.

It’s a chilly day is Toronto today. I’m going to curl up with some pumpkin spiced tea, a cashmere throw and a book for the rest of the evening. Have a wonderful one guys, I’ll be back soon :)

September 1st, redo

2011-09-02T11:50:00.001-04:00

Sorry about my last post, guys. I was just in the shittiest mood and needed to get my frustrations out. I really hate being negative.

My leg is getting better. The doctor and pharmacist made sure to tell me to take the pills until they’re done, even if the infection seems to be gone. I’m not messing around so I’m taking the pills like clockwork.

I’m still in the dark about school, but hey, what can you do?! Hopefully everything will be sorted out shortly and I can get readmitted for January. I think it would be great to be fitter for school so I’m going to take advantage of the next couple months to improve myself.

Seeing as I’ve always used the end of summer to reset everything, here is my September 1st redo..

To me, summer is over. Just like any other year, it seems like it came and went far too fast and while I enjoy the summer, I’m happy to welcome autumn.

I love September. I love apple picking, the colours, the cool nights, being able to wear pashminas and hoodies, pumpkin spiced everything. I also think September brings one of the most romantic seasons. Walks downtown are far more enjoyable without it being so hot, cozying up with books seems ok without the pressure of enjoying summer while it lasts. September just seems right.

I’m feeling happy and revitalized about weight loss all the sudden, too! I’ve been tracking religiously and despite doctors orders, I’ve squeezed in a couple short but sweet treadmill sessions. I love when you catch a second wind of motivation and I’m going to try my best to make this one last.

Just when it gets bad, it gets worse

2011-09-01T21:22:00.001-04:00

Hey Beauties,

Yesterday my family and I went to Ontario Place and The Canadian National Exhibition. They’re both in Toronto and both relatively close to Lake Ontario.

We got to Ontario Place at 10am.

The kids (my siblings and my cousin) had a lot of fun in the water park and I spent my day (along with the other adults) watching them and standing around. Not a big deal, their happiness means the most to me.

We crossed the bridge over to the CNE at around 5pm.

We went through all the buildings, played some games, walked around and ate. I hadn’t eaten all day and I was toying with what to eat. Like many other exhibitions, there is a lot of junk. Usually they do a CNE feature, this year it was the Krispy Kreme donut.

…..yes. I ate it. Honestly, it was delicious. Would I eat it more than once a year? No. But I ate it, enjoyed it and that was that.

The shoes I wore absolutely killed my feet, my two toes (the little piggies that didn’t have any roast beef, on each foot) and the balls of my feet have huge blisters. When we got to the car at midnight I checked my pedometer..

Yup, 20,660 steps. Wow. Going to bed I thought the blisters would be the worst of my pain for days to come.

Wrong.

Remember when I told you guys I fell at another water park, about two weeks ago? The cut has since scabbed over, the swelling has gone down and I thought it was getting better.

Wrong.

I woke up this morning and my leg was burning. I took a look at it and it just looked like a really bad rash. Big red splotches from my knee down on my right leg.

Wrong.

I went to a walk in clinic and found out I have a really bad infection stemming from the wound. Cellulitis. I’m on heavy duty antibiotics, 6 times a day for 10 days. If it doesn’t clear up in 10 days I will have to go to the hospital for IV meds. Insert sad face.

On top of everything, Ontario support staff workers are on strike. The lady who was supposed to be dealing with my re-admission (who was on maternity leave) is now on strike. I was informed of that today. I was also informed that the transcripts I sent universities and colleges did not get there because of the postal strike we had here a couple of months ago, today. Just great. While I’m not blaming the support staff workers for striking (they are getting shafted), I’m only human and my needs matter the most to me. Hopefully everything can get resolved and I can go back to school in January.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, hopefully I’ll be back to my sunshiny self soon.

Shopping Trip Haul & Weigh In Results

2011-08-29T23:11:00.001-04:00

Hello Beautiful People,

I had a lovely weekend away.
Where: Erie and Grove City, PA
When: Friday-Sunday
What: SHOPPING
Why: SHOPPING
Who: My mom, my aunt, my grandmother, two very close family friends and myself.

Friday:

left Toronto at 8am, arrived in Erie, PA at 12:30pm
dropped our bags off at the hotel, was in the mall by 1:00pm
went to Target, Walmart, Kohls, Marshalls and a couple other random stores right after
had a burger and salad with water for dinner. Was famished from not eating a whole lot that day
woke up at 3:30am with the worst gallstone attack I’ve ever had. The pain was so bad it spread into my chest and I debated waking my mom up and telling her I needed to go to an ER. I stood in the bathroom for 45 minutes instead, then laid down and the pain went away. Scary.

Saturday:

woke up super early
ate an apple, a bagel with peanut butter and a chocolate milk for breakfast at the hotel
drove an hour to Grove City, spent 6 hours shopping in the many, many stores
went to the Outback for dinner. Lost control and ate 1/8 of a bloomin’ onion, a ‘loaded’ chicken breast with fries and a water to drink. Face meet palm.

Sunday:

woke up early, again
had the exact same breakfast, packed the car up
stopped at another awesome Walmart
got home at 5:30

Here’s the loot:

A closer look:

left to right: Hot pink Nike Frees (a lot brighter, picture doesn’t do justice), 6 pairs of Hanes Dry Cushion socks (i love cushion-y socks), nude Concealing Petals Fruit of the Loom(I think) t-shirt bra, two pairs of fabulous eyelashes (much cheaper in the US), 2 pretty headbands, two pairs of jeans (one of which is super tight, the other just tight).

left to right: black beanie hat with two cute buttons at the front, gray knit no sleeve sweater thingy, gray walking style yoga pant, leopard double push up (makes my boobs look a tiny bit funny, will fix somehow) bra from Victoria Secret, black long sleeve black shit, moisture barrier hairspray (so expensive in Canada!), arch supports (also expensive here), callus remover for my paws (was really cheap in Target), clear brow gel (how I get my eyebrows looking fly, also pretty cheap in the US)

not shown: a package of coconut M&Ms, a package of crunchy Reece Peanut Butter Cups (can’t get in Canada) and a package of mini Reece Peanut Butter Cups.

All of that stuff + one lunch + two dinners = $200. Pretty damn impressive!

I was really worried about my weigh in today! I managed to eat okay except for one day but I was still worried I had gained weight. Can you believe I forgot to weigh in this morning?! As soon as I got home from Starbucks with a URL turned IRL friend (Skinny Me, Coming Soon, doesn’t blog anymore :( ) I decided to weigh in. Would it be accurate? Probably not, but I just didn’t want to wait till tomorrow.

Results….

I didn’t gain anything! I stayed the same and I’ll take it!

Brief

2011-08-28T20:19:00.002-04:00

Back from my PA shopping trip. Lots of buys. Feet are swollen from all the sodium consumed. Bummer. Bed time soon. Be back tomorrow with a weigh in. Good or bad.

Kinda, Sorta Big Goal News

2011-08-22T21:01:00.001-04:00

Today was weigh day.

Results: –2.2lbs

And with that, blog friends, I’ve got big news. I’ve reached my first weight loss goal! I’ve lost 10 pounds in time to go to Pennsylvania on my ladies shopping trip! I know it’s only 10 pounds but this is the first goal I’ve reached in a long time. I’m pretty proud of myself.

The only down side is I’m not noticing any change in my clothes. Nothing feels loose, I see no difference anywhere. Kind of puts a wrench in my initial plan of buying a smaller clothes size on my shopping trip. Or does it?

I know ‘they’ say its a big no-no, but I’m toying with the thought of buying clothes that are tight but almost fit. I think it would be wasteful to buy a bunch of clothes, only to have them not to fit in a month. Also, reaching my first goal gave me the confidence I needed to believe that I’m going to keep on going. So why buy clothes that I’ll NEVER fit into again? What are your thoughts guys? Let me know!

Anywho, I’m so happy I’m off to celebrate with the man. Ahem.

Play Hard, Suffer Harder (with pictures)

2011-08-21T19:58:00.002-04:00

Sweet mother of all that is good, I feel like nuclear waste today.

Yesterday I spent all day and all night with my best friend. With this summer being so busy, we hadn’t seen each other in what felt like forever. No bueno. We did what we really do best, watch horror movies, drink wine and talk. At the ~~end of the night~~ beginning of the morning (4:45am) I was feeling great. We finished off 4 bottles of wine, had Chinese food, popcorn and chocolate and my mouth was sore from laughing and smiling.

My best friend, Shameela, bought these Royal Doulton by Monique Lhuillier wine glasses. They hold almost a whole bottle of wine. Trouble.

Me and Shameela

The eats

The drinks

Decided to do red lips. How I missed them so. I think they look pretty damn good.

When I woke up….

Whoa mama. As I type, I’m severely hungover. I’m bloated and puffy from the mass amounts of sodium consumed and oh so tired. But you play, you pay, right?

Tonight is going to be an early night and hopefully the scale doesn’t punish me too much tomorrow morning.

Erin. In a Bathing Suit. Holy Shit!

2011-08-18T20:22:00.002-04:00

Hello My Pretties,

Today I did something major. I went to a water park and went swimming sans a tshirt or shorts over! My mom was shocked, she was sure I wasn’t going to go in the water.

Yup. That’s me in a bathing suit.

While I was at Wild Water Kingdom I tripped and fell trying to cross over a rope barrier and really hurt my knee. My foot other foot didn't quite clear the rope and I went down like a sack of potatos. So embarrassing.

It looks a lot worse in person than in the picture. Gnarly, huh?

Oh and I got a wicked sunburn. Remember I mentioned my peaches and cream skin? Well its a total pain the ass to deal with in the summer. This was after applying sunscreen 6 times!!

And I have a wicked zit in my chin…

…sigh.

All that being said, I’m still really proud of myself for actually swimming. I haven’t swam since I went to Florida 2 years ago! At first I was really self conscious but after a while I realized that it didn’t matter. No one cared. No one was pointing or staring or laughing. It might seem pretty elementary but a huge accomplishment for me.

I weighed in on Monday, 1.2lbs down. Yay yay yay!

Sunday Veg Out

2011-08-14T16:58:00.001-04:00

Hello buttercups,

I am so tired. The past week has been filled with party planning and prep for my brother’s 11th birthday and watching my high maintenance, defiant cousin. Yesterday the house was filled with 36 people, eating, drinking and laughing. I love that my house is unpretentious and casual and feels like home to people, that’s what's important to my family. And as much as I la-la-love a party, I’m so happy to just veg and catch up on TV today.

My tummy has been such a brat this week. Coffee upsets it, milk upsets it, bread upsets it, salsa upsets it, every-freaking-thing upsets it. So frustrating! I figure because I got a 5 clamshells of organic strawberries from the grocery store yesterday I’ll start my day with a smoothie instead of coffee this week. Hopefully that will give me a happy stomach and a pick me up, too.

Yesterday at the party my cousin and I got to talking. She was talking about me and how I’m a ‘half assed girly girl’. Because I wasn’t too sure what she meant, I pressed her on it. She mentioned that my hairs always done, my nails and make up are usually done. I care about being a girly girl. However, the juxtapose of my mannerisms, the way I do my hair, nails and make up compared to my body is an odd one. I understand what she means, but because it’s about me and I got a bit defensive. I find offense in the fact that I should just give up on my whole appearance because I’m not happy with the size of my body. And while I love her to bits, I think bitch is just a bit jealous of my locks, peaches and cream skin and fabulous nail polish collection. Heh hehe, kidding, ….kinda.

Have a lovely Sunday people, I’ll be back tomorrow.

Debate: A Shitty Devil’s Advocate and Unfavourable (Or Favourable) Opinions

2011-08-09T23:28:00.001-04:00

I’ve started listening to talk radio. I always judged it to be something older people did, but I can only listen to so much Bruno Mars (and that much is zero, I hate him). Don’t get me wrong, I still shake my ass at least once daily to my iPod mixes, but radio stations are getting on my last available nerve. I don’t want to listen to the same song eight times a day. And hey, talk radio forces you use your brain and form opinions and keep yourself informed. Like a decent member of society and what not.

I’m actually kind of in love. Why didn’t I start this years ago?! News to me prior to talk radio was like sex. I’d much rather take my sweet time (and read lengthy articles in The Star or The Globe and Mail etc) but lets be real, fast and to the point is more practical (CP24, news bullets and short styled publications like Canoe and Metro). This is because sitting down to read the Globe and Mail can be a lengthy process and you can’t multitask while doing it . With talk radio, you can do stuff and be fully informed! Like magic! Anywho, I was cooking when Jerry Agar (on CFRB1010) mentioned that a lady named Lillian Coakley would be on with him in a bit. This lady had wrote her own obituary. I looked up the Toronto Star article online and read it right away.

Lillian Coakley is 42 years old. She’s 5’6, from Nova Scotia, Canada and weighs 372 pounds. After finding out that she might have to wait upwards of 10 years for weight reduction surgery, she wrote her own obituary and sent it to people in medicine and the government. Lillian has been overweight her whole life. She’s outraged that the waiting list for sleeve gastrectomy surgery (reduces the stomach by 80% and suppresses the hormone that causes hunger) is so long and fears she will die before then. In Nova Scotia alone, there is over 2,000 people on the same waiting list. Coakley has been offered surgery in Mexico for free. She hasn’t taken anyone up on that offer for fear of traveling to another country to have such a serious surgery done. Working for a customer call center, she makes $24,000 a year and cannot afford to pay for the surgery herself.

Her obituary is as follows:

We are sad to inform you of the untimely passing of a young mother, sister, daughter and friend. She died at a young age due to complication with obesity that she fought for years to overcome.

She was the youngest child of 7 and she leaves behind her 2 sons, who both lived at home with her. Her entire life was lived for her boys who she loved immensely and were her pride and joy.

She was survived by her 3 sisters and 3 brothers, along with many nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews. She loved to sew and do crafts and was an awesome cook and loved to help others and would give what she could to anyone in need. She enjoyed comedy and good laughs.

Lillian suffered many years with asthma, severe high blood pressure, pain due to stress on her joints from her weight and in the last while was diagnosed with sleep apnea and diabetes.

There will be no flowers at her request and the body will be cremated as she would hate to be a burden on her family and have to be carried away to her final resting place by a tractor, so she spared her family with finding a mass amount of pallbearers and more stares and jokes about her weight as her beloved family mourns the loss of her as they did throughout her life.

She would appreciate if you speak out and support Obesity Weight Loss Surgery and obesity awareness and write a letter to your local MLA and to anyone who will listen.

I was immediately interested in this subject and made sure I was free to listen to her radio interview (and I have since listened to the pod cast to make sure what I was writing key points from the interview was as I heard them). Here they are, in bullets..

Lillian is eating better now than she ever has, eating lots of veggies and if she has a burger, it’s a very lean one
she claims that she has been overweight her whole life, despite being in gymnastics at a young age
Lillian’s doctor believes weight loss surgery is crucial
there is one surgeon in her area that performs weight loss surgeries, claims the government is holding back the funding for more doctors to perform weight loss surgeries
she doesn’t know how much the surgery is (would costs tax payers)
she was told it would cost $10,000 in a private clinic by the interviewer, Agar
Lillian claims 60-80 bariatric surgeries are performed a year in her province
When asked what her doctor thought the reason was for her being overweight, Coakley responds with “She’s never really discussed it.”
When asked why she didn’t ask her doctor, Lillian says “I never really asked her.”
Claims she’s seen a lot of people who have lost weight the ‘tradional’ way and have gained it back and more
Questions if she loses the weight on her own, will she gain it all back and balloon up to 472 pounds.

From listening to the callers and reading comments on articles about her, I believe I can form a topic on the subject of weight loss surgeries and Lillian Coakley’s story.

Weight loss surgery is important. In fact, regarding Lillian’s story, Dr.Freedhoff, founder of Ottawa’s Bariatric Medical Institute, stated “Medicine isn’t about blame. We’ll do liver transplants on people who are former alcoholics . We patch people up even if they don’t wear seatbelts.” This is true. I’m sure his medical opinion is a bit biased (as to where he was chose to devote his career), but true none the less. A recent article in the Canadian Medical Association Journal noted as many as 300,000 Ontarians may be in need of bariatric surgery. So the need is there, but are the funds? Have every one of those possible 300,000 Ontarians tried, honestly and truly, to be successful at losing weight on their own without surgical intervention? I’m sure a lot have, and just cannot, for whatever reason that may be. I feel bad for those people.

The other side is obesity can (I don’t want to say mostly, because I’m not sure that is factual) a lot of times be prevented and reversed. The province’s health care is strained as it is and the added strain of 300,000 bariatric surgeries is a hefty one. That money can be allocated to so many different areas. Lillian doesn’t seem concerned as to why she’s been overweight her whole life and has not even asked her doctor either. She seems more willing to die and prove her point that the waitlist for a surgery to save her life was too long, than to fight. How long, if at all, did Lillian fight before she decided that death would be more likely and success and life would be almost impossible? She has claimed that she had tried many diets in the past, and while she claims she is eating better now, does that mean she has exhausted all the organic ways of shedding the pounds recently? Canada’s health care system is not an bottomless pit, there isn’t infinite money to pay for all these surgeries. Obviously, based on the lengthy wait list. Is bariatric surgery just as important as a double mastectomy for a breast cancer patient? I hope there wont come a day when people in need of surgeries that will save their life wont receive them. Maybe the point proves itself. A cancer patient doesn’t wait for a surgery to cut out a tumour that could kill them. An overweight person does have to wait for a surgery to have their stomach reduced to save their life. Some might have to, for 10 years apparently. I’m not trying to make her sound like a bad person and I’m not implying that weight loss surgery is ‘the easy way out’ or isn’t necessary. Maybe the province and the country need to take a closer look into these surgeries or maybe the waitlist and the way they conduct this process is what they feel is right. To every subject there is many opinions, no one can please everyone, all the time. Humans are selfish. When events or causes or injustices affect us, those things matter the most. They take priority and we feel they should be addressed and taken care of in a way that pleases us. Unfortunately, that’s not the case in a lot of cases.

It seems like it’s much easier to wipe for Lillian to wipe her hands clean of a problem she’s nursed her whole life and blame someone else for not saving her life. For not doing something about it, exactly when she needed something done about it? Has she proven that she’s exhausted every avenue she possibly could to save her own life? To her doctors, to the government or to herself for that matter?

My mother needed surgery a few years ago to save her life. Cancer potentially stood in the way of my mother’s future. She needed the surgery and she got it, right away. There was absolutely nothing she could have done to save her own life. I hope that Lillian Coakley, with an honest heart and a clear conscious, can look at her children and claim the same.

Hello Idiocy, My Old Friend, You’ve Got Some ‘Splainin’ To Do

2011-08-07T21:46:00.001-04:00

Hello baby biscuits,

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I spent the majority of the weekend downtown (Toronto), sleeping over at my cousin’s and helping her organize her place.

I’ve been a bit silly with my eating lately. I haven’t been hungry, so I haven’t been eating regular meals at regular times. I’ve been ignoring my body. Not consistently but enough to realize that I’m acting like a bonehead.

Last Friday I was at the mall when I got dizzy, lightheaded, started to see spots and got the shakes. My hands were shaking and I was sure I was going to pass out, right there in the mall. I had to focus on my breaths, in with my nose, out with my mouth and grab a Diet Pepsi. So irresponsible and completely avoidable. And the saddest part is, I didn’t even correct my ways after that.

I had the same feeling yesterday. I was busy all morning, ran a couple errands with my cousin and then started helping her organize things. By 5pm I was lightheaded and my hands were shaking. I couldn’t wait anymore, I had to grab a demi baguette and some juice. Beyond stupid, I know. A couple hours later I made us dinner (tomato and mozzarella sausages, corn on the cob and green beans) and went to bed feeling much better. Sometimes I just don’t get me.

After two cups of coffee I decided that I need to stop being an idiot and treating myself like shit. Just because I don’t love the way I look, doesn’t mean I have to call myself horrible names. Names I wouldn’t call someone else. I’m not going to wait until I’m starving to give my body nutrients. I’m going to start being more mindful about everything. It’s the better way to be and it’s something I can control.

This afternoon my cousin and I decided to go to brunch at a restaurant a couple blocks from her place called The Rhino. I was hungry, but not famished. As soon as we got the menus my eyes were darting all over that thing. Cheese burger with peamale bacon, onion rings and a homemade bbq sauce, chocolate milkshake, turkey bacon club with horseradish mayo and a basket of fries, stuffed French toast, eggs Benedict. Then I thought about a conversation I had with some of my blogging friends turned IRL friends. Just because I’m at a restaurant doesn’t mean I have to have fries or something fried and fatty. Plus it was starting to get really, really hot on the patio so something heavy like eggs Benedict or a burger would be heavy in my tummy. I didn’t want something heavy. Instead I had water and a breakfast wrap with eggs, bacon, lots of veggies with about 1/4 cup of home fries and a melange of fruit. Much better. I didn’t feel the oil seeping out of my pores under the hot sun and I wasn’t sluggish. I had just enough to be satisfied.

At home I totally forgot I took out some sausages so they needed to be cooked. The only problem is, there was really nothing to go with them. We haven’t been to the grocery store in a bit so the fridge was looking pretty scarce. There was no rice, no potatoes, no bread. To me that equals no complete meal. Then it dawned on me, I don’t need to eat a big carb at every single meal. Instead I had a lean Italian sausage with 1/4 cup of sauerkraut, 2 giant pickles and 1/4 cup of potato salad I found hiding at the back. And again, I was satisfied. I remembered that I had vowed to treat myself better over coffee and conversation with myself. I was going to mindful and aware and receptive to what my body needs. Not stuff myself like a Christmas turkey and feel like shit about myself. I know it’s little and it might not seem like a huge feat, but I was pretty proud of myself.

Because I’ve been so good with my points today, I still have a good amount of points to work with and I’m going to have a root beer, because I can.

Cottage Country, The Fancy Ass Edition

2011-08-02T18:58:00.001-04:00

Hello Buttercups,

I’m back from the cottage, thank goodness.

My mom, Ben, Sarah and I left at an ungodly hour of the morning on Saturday. The cottage we went to is a family friend’s. It’s in Perry Sound, about 3-4 hours from Toronto. There was 20 people there including 8 kids.

I’m not a cottage/camping kind of girl. I’ve been told I can be a bit high maintenance. I have some weird quirks. I don’t like sand. I don’t like things getting under my finger and toe nails. I hate my feet feeling dirty. I even carry baby wipes in my purse when I’m wearing sandals so I can clean my feet. My day doesn’t start until I straighten my hair and ‘put on’ my eyebrows (i.e groom them with brow gel and fill them in with an eyebrow pencil and eye shadow). I guess my true colours became apparent after being at the cottage for a couple of hours. So obviously I’m not a cottage girl, I’m a city girl. I make no apologies for that. I don’t like the outdoors. I don’t like not being able to shower for 2 days because the water pump at the cottage broke. I don’t like being chastised about not going swimming, not getting drunk, not sitting by the fire until 4am, not tanning and not eating more.

I know that I probably came across as a fancy ass who can’t loosen up and have fun and I hate that. I didn’t go swimming because I don’t like the way I look in a bathing suit. I got asked 20 times to put my bathing suit on and go swimming. One would think, after politely declining a couple times, they would catch on to the fact that I didn’t want to swim and drop it. Awkward. I didn’t get drunk for personal reasons. I haven’t been drunk in almost a year. I haven’t for personal reasons and more importantly, I don’t need to get shit faced to have a good time. Now I’m not saying that I don’t drink at all. I do. But not until I’m falling all over the place. I’ll never do that again. I didn’t sit by the fire until 4am every night because by the second evening, I had 34 mosquito bites that were swollen and itchy. I didn’t tan on the dock because I don’t tan. I burn. I’ve had one too many bad sunburns and I learned my lesson. I didn’t eat like a lumberjack because I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay within my points. I’m not a snobby girl who can’t have fun unless she’s swimming in a saltwater pool, only drinks Grey Goose vodka, only enjoys a camp fire in the backyard of a house and only uses St.Tropez self tanner (which is $38 a bottle in Sephora, don’t ask me how I know, because you know, I’m NOT that girl heh heh). I’m not that girl. I had fun, even if I didn’t do what everyone else was doing to have fun.

As soon as I got home, after sitting in traffic for 5 and a half hours, I jumped in the shower. I lathered myself up with my sea sponge and my favourite Lush soap, Vanilla in the Mist. Before I went to bed I dabbed some Miss. Cherie Dior behind my ears and in the crook of my elbows, put my straightened hair in a pony tail and laid head down on Egyptian cotton sheets. Fancy ass style.

In weight loss news, I tracked and tried to drink as much water as I could but between the water pump breaking and only having a couple of cases of water for 20 people to share, I drank a lot of sugary drinks to stay hydrated. I weighed myself this morning and I’m up .8. I might try to weigh in again on Wednesday just too see if it was a sodium issue. I’m still halfway to my 10 pounds down goal by the end of August. I’m quite confident that I’ll be able to achieve my goal, if not surpass it.

Have an awesome rest of the week lovelys, I’ll be posting again soon.

Thoughts, Feelings and Weight Loss Recipes

2011-07-28T23:13:00.001-04:00

Thanks for all your supportive comments, I really appreciate all your feedback.

I got up on Tuesday morning and got on the treadmill first thing. I tried to get up with an optimistic outlook but I just wasn't feeling it. Have you ever had one of those workouts where you felt the universe was against you? My socks were bugging me, the seam on the inner thighs of my shitty Old Navy yoga pants were rubbing together. I didn't have enough water, I didn't feel like watching what was on TV but I didn't have the remote. AH!! If I was into it those issues might not have bugged me as much as they did. C'est la vie, right? It’s not like I haven’t wanted to use it. I have found myself thinking about/wanting to go on it at different times throughout the day bit decided to put it off until the mornings or evenings. Maybe part of my problem is that come those times, I just don’t feel like. Maybe I just need to go with it and not have scheduled workout times. 1+1=common sense right? Well not always. I think I might end up giving myself a weekly goal in hours to complete. 4 hours or so. I guess I just have to play around with different goals to see what works. Speaking of…

Ive been trying to make this certain cake for two months. Every time I make it, it never turns out right even though I know people who have made it perfectly. For me its always missing something or it's not moist enough etc etc. Finally this morning I made it and it turned out perfect. After about 6 attempts, tweaking an modifying as I went along, I finally got it right. Kind of like weight loss, right? Everyone's different and what ends up working for someone might not work for someone else. I know people who do low carb, some are vegans, some swear by Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers or even Dr. Bernstein *shudder*. Some are runners, walkers, amateur yogis or dancers. Everyone has found their own weight loss/healthy living recipe and have mastered it. Perhaps this is why not a lot of people are successful in their first, second or thirtieth attempt.They just haven't found what equation works for them. Clean eating+running 5 times a week=success for one might be tracking+lots of water=success for another.

So when I'm feeling like a big failure I have to remind myself that I'm only 23 and at least I'm trying. Trying is better than doing nothing. Actively trying to change shitty habits and do better is better. So I’m still trying to figure out what my perfect weight loss and healthy living equation is, that’s ok. Life is about learning and I’m learning what does and does not work for me. I’m kind of back to that phase in 2010 where I rebelled against what I knew I needed to do. Why? No idea. At least I'm not in denial about what I want anymore. When I look back now, I remember how much pain I was in, trying to pretend I was happy. From about 16-20 I tried to push down those terrible self loathing feelings and just tell myself that I should accept who I am and love it. No. Even though I’m 23, I still wrestle with those feelings of wanting to give up and just be fat for the rest of my life. That’s what I know. I’ve been big since I was a kid, this has been my life. Then I snap out of it and realize that I can change that, I can reinvent myself. Friggin’ feelings, enough to drive us crazy, am I right? In the mean time I’ll continue to fake it till I make it. Faking confidence is better for me than faking happiness. NEVER doing that again.While we’re on feelings, let me just roll with it..

Since I've started digging deep into myself I've noticed some things that I don't like about me (well, the me that’s on the way out). I've noticed that in the past I would punish people around me for my own unhappiness. When I would go to a party with people skinnier than me, I would throw on my bitch face and make myself unapproachable. I would pretend I wasn't having a good time. I would observe everything and get paranoid when someone would laugh, thinking they were laughing at me. When I'd go to a water park I'd automatically get in a bad mood. I used to think that if I acted like I was in a bad mood, people would think I wouldn't want to do things because I was in a mood an I didnt want to. When really, I just didn't want to look stupid doing. The way I feel about myself consumes everything that I do. When I stand I try to position my body in a way where I look the smaller I can look. When someone looks at me I assume their asking themselves why I'm so fat. Even though I've always had a boyfriend since I was 13, I always assumed that I was so many guys friends because I wasn't small enough to be attractive. I know it sounds silly but I think a lot of people have these silly thoughts and feelings swirling around our heads and hearts.

Well I’ve decided that that is not way to be. I’m leaving the mans house (forgive me if this post is filled with mistakes and seems all over the place, typing out blog posts on iPods are tricky) soon to go home and start packing for my cottage weekend. Even though I’m not a cottage kinda girl, I’m going to make the most out of it. I’m going to try my hardest to mute my self hate monolog and I’m not going to worry so much about how I look and how I come across to other people. I’m not sure whether I’ll bust out my bathing suit, but I’ll pack it for good measure. I’m definitely not bringing my bitch face with me, no space for that.

I’m also going to try to drink as much water as I can because I know I’ll be drinking alcohol and watching my portions.

If I don’t post before I leave, I’ll be back on Monday to tell you all about my weekend. I might or might not be posting my weigh in results because I’m pretty sure my scale is broken (holler at your girl Quantum Scale people!).

Low Motivation

2011-07-26T21:51:00.001-04:00

Hi Bloggers,

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week so far. My mom is dragging me to a family friend’s cottage on Saturday so I’ve been trying to get clothes, reading material and my iPod all sorted out. I’m really not a cottage person but my mom’s guilt trips are enough to make me do just about anything so it looks like I’m going. I’ll be taking The Help with me for sure, everyone I know has loved it. I was thinking about going to Chapters to pick up a non-fiction book. I always like to peruse the weight loss and healthy living section but it gets a bit redundant, doesn’t it? I haven’t read many books that have recreated the wheel and that kind of bums me out. Then again, I’m a bit picky. To scientific and the author comes across to clinical, too humorous or personal, the author’s fluffy and doesn’t know what they’re talking about. High maintenance reader over here. Has anyone read any weight loss/healthy living books that you really resonated with? Or maybe even some fiction books that you really enjoyed? Your recommendations are always greatly appreciated.

I’m almost to the point of kicking my own ass, guys. My motivation has been shot to shit. I was so ‘go get ‘em’ in 2010. 2011, not so much. I’m not quite sure what happened. I’m thinking it might have something to do with my successes being few and far between. I’ve been maintaining and spiking for so long that I’ve just reached I know that when I’m doing well I kind of go with it and my motivation is usually high. Both yesterday and today I set my alarm for 7am with the intention of treadmilling for at least half an hour. Both days I snoozed until 8am and walked right past it. I know nothing and no one else can help me with my motivation, I need to find that within myself. I just wish it wasn’t so damn hard for me right now. I really just need to give my head a shake and get into the zone again. I really do.

My tracking hasn’t been perfect. For the past couple of days I’ve been really snacky and instead of tracking my bites, I’m left at the end of the night trying my hardest to remember just what I ate and how much. Completely ass backwards, I know. It’s always hard coming here and admitting defeat and weakness, but that’s life, that’s what a struggle is.

I’ll be back tomorrow to report tracking what I ate before I ate it and how my 7am treadmill date went.

Daydream Believer, The G-Rated Paris Kind

2011-07-24T22:02:00.003-04:00

Hello Creme de la Cremes,

All my life I’ve been in love with Europe. At 10, everything seemed so romantic and picture perfect. At 23, nothing’s really changed. Up until about 2 years ago Europe seemed light years away. A nice place I could read about, see in movies and that was about it. Then I started thinking, if I really wanted to go, I could go. I could save up my money and take the vacation I’ve been dreaming about since I was 10: Italy and France. When am I going? Beats me. How will I get there? Who will I go with? What will I see? I haven’t the slightest. I just know I’ll make it there (hopefully while I’m still in my 20s, crosses fingers).

About a month ago I went to Chapters, TBA trip in mind and picked up an English to Italian dictionary. I also went to library and took out some books on conjugating verbs and useful sayings. Nothing crazy, I’m quite happy with just learning conversational Italian. Why the hell not, right? I’ve been doing pretty well too and I’m pretty damn proud of myself. I’m planning on buying plenty of travel books too, partly because I'm a control freak.

Last night, while watching the man play darts with his friends, I flipped through a travel magazine to stop myself from pulling my eyelashes out from boredom. Reading the Italy and France sections were both hopeful and heartbreaking. Hopeful because I know I’ll go one day and heartbreaking because it wont be tomorrow. But c’est la vie/È la vita, right? Because daydreaming doesn’t come easily to me when i want it to, I talked myself into a daydream.

I’m in Paris (pronounced Pair-ee)(I’m not in Italy because that daydream would take FOR-EVER and I’m afraid that if I get into one of my sex fantasies of George Clooney (he lives there) you guys will get weirded out, so yeah, just Paris this time, unless I spot Olivier Martinez….). Something sounding like this is playing:

I’m sitting with my leg crossed, beautifully bronzed and somewhat slender, at a cafe (because I dig the shit out of a good cliche).

I look perfectly put together. A flowy sun dress, big sunglasses and tousled hair. The sun is on my shoulders. I take dainty bites of my croissant and little sips of my cafe au lait, wiping my mouth with a fabric napkin between, of course.

And in my daydream, despite the fact that all my senses are being pampered, my main concern is how I look in Paris. Not how Paris looks to me. Ridiculous, I know. Part of this is because I’d like to look like I just might be able to fit in. I’m actually getting quite fed up with the way how I look and how people might perceive me completely consumes my thoughts.

But that’s okay because slowly but surely I’m working towards my goals and hopefully by the time I’m 26(when I’d ideally like to go)I’ll be the best me I can possibly be. Mentally, emotionally and physically. Then I’ll be able to drink in the sights. I’ll be able to do that without worrying about how I look, nervously tugging on my too tight dress, sucking in my tummy. And I’ll be damned if I’ll be pairing my killer dresses with shrugs in Paris. Not even going to happen!

Documentary Reviews

2011-07-20T21:22:00.001-04:00

Bonjour mon petit fleurs!

I’ve been a bit uninspired to write, but I think that happens to a lot of people in the summer months. There’s always so much going on and it’s ‘nice’ out. Now, I use nice in quotations because it’s really hot in Toronto right now. Tomorrow it’s supposed to go up to 47/116 with the humidex. Needless to say I’ll be drinking lots of water and wearing as little as possible. Hm, so what have I been up to?

I had a lovely weekend. Went to my aunts house for dinner and board games, my fav. Then the man and I went to an industrial foam party. Sunday a bunch of blogger friends turned into in real life friends had a vegetarian bbq. All the food was delicious and it was nice to talk to people who know how you feel and have been there.

Since the weekend I’ve watched 6 documentaries on Netflix, got rid of tons of clothes and read 2 books. Since I have been so uninspired, I’m going to give you guys my documentary/book reviews.

Documentaries (Movie plots provided by IMDB):

Girl 27: The reclusive Patricia Douglas comes out of hiding to discuss the 1937 MGM scandal, in which the powerful film studio tricked her and over 100 other underage girls into attending a stag party, where she was raped.

I appreciated all the old Hollywood footage and it was really interesting to learn just how powerful MGM was back then. 3/5 stars.

Capturing the Friedmans: Documentary on the Friedmans, a seemingly typical, upper-middleclass Jewish family whose world is instantly transformed when the father and his youngest son are arrested and charged with shocking and horrible crimes.

It was good but it left me feeling disturbed and wanting more. 2/5 stars.

Who the #$&% is Jackson Pollock: After semi-truck driver Teri Horton bought a large splatter painting for her friend for $5, she was forced to sell it in her own garage sale when her friend said she had no place for it. Eventually someone commented on the painting stating it might be an original Jackson Pollock. This documentary follows Teri, her son, and a forensics specialist as they attempt to prove to the world, or more specifically the art community, her painting is a true Jackson Pollock.

A bit slow but interesting for an art lover 3/5 stars.

Deliver Us From Evil: Documentary about Father Oliver O'Grady, a Catholic priest who was relocated to various parishes around the United States during the 1970s in an attempt by the Catholic Church to cover up his rape of dozens of children.

So interesting, well done but as you would imagine, quite disturbing 4/5 stars.

Cropsey: Realizing the urban legend of their youth has actually come true; two filmmakers delve into the mystery surrounding five missing children and the real-life boogeyman linked to their disappearances.

Pretty good, not as good as I thought it would be. 3/5 stars.

Dear Zachary: A Letter To a Son About His Father: A filmmaker decides to memorialize a murdered friend when his friend's ex-girlfriend announces she is expecting his son.

SO good, after watching it I felt so moved by it but it’s definitely heart wrenching, proceed with caution. 5/5 stars.

Books:

Sarah’s Key and Sweetness in the Belly, both really good books.

Oh and, I hopped on the scale on Monday and I think it might be broken because at first it placed me at a maintain, then a gain, then a loss. I really, really don’t want to buy a new scale so I’ll see if it’s still acting up tomorrow.

Date Night with Erin?

2011-07-15T20:36:00.002-04:00

Hello Sunflowers,

It’s Friday evening. I’ve got no plans, thank goodness. So who wants to watch Beautician and the Beast, drink some pink champagne and cuddle?

….anyone?

Hey Guise, Look At My Goal Board!

2011-07-14T20:50:00.001-04:00

Hello Love Birds,

Here’s my super awesome goal board. Sorry for the blurry picture.

This is part of what I see when I’m in bed (entertainment center with TV and books not shown).

Yay for my pretty goal board!

As for my last post, ok, I was a bit of a cry baby but its so weird to me to see how many visitors I get on my blog and hardly any comments. But whatever, I wont whine about it! And as for the cougar juice aka white zinfandel, please hear me out people, no disrespect! I love white zin but it doesn't have the greatest reputation around die hard wine drinkers. I like white zinfandel and I kept it point friendly by adding tonic water to my 4 glasses and made nifty wine spritzers. 4 glasses of half and half = only 2 actual glasses of wine. SCORE!

Sniff Sniff

2011-07-13T18:24:00.001-04:00

It’s okay, its not like I like comments or anything…..

If anyone needs me I’ll be in my room, blasting The Wild Heart album, drinking a cheap bottle of cougar juice (aka white zinfandel).

Where I’ve Been, My Goals: Set and My Weigh In

2011-07-12T19:17:00.001-04:00

Hey Love Bugs,

Whoever said the summer is for relaxing clearly doesn’t have a very busy social calendar. Since I posted last this is what I’ve been up to…

A day at Canada’s Wonderland, 2 days and 3 nights of Toronto Pride week festivities, dinner at two of Toronto’s Top 11 of 2011 restaurants, Enoteca Sociale and Queen Margherita Pizza, a night of watching the planes land at Pearson Airport, two family bbqs, an afternoon at the horse races, a day of bouncy castle fun, salsa lessons at a latin club downtown, a day at the Toronto Zoo, a wedding with the man I REALLY didn’t want to go to, watching the man play baseball and hockey x3. Yeah. Busy.

Goals. Goals have always been a nemesis of mine. I’d make them, work towards them, get derailed and forget about them. Coincidentally, I haven’t reached any of my weight loss goals. Not one. So guys, please bear with me while I get excited about another plan/goal. Instead of treating goals like the plague, I’m going to get excited about them.

The Plan:

The good ‘old fashioned’ way. Counting points and tracking. Drinking enough water. Getting some type of exercise in, at least 3 times a week.

My Weight Related Goals:

My annual Pennsyvania trip: The ladies of my family and a bunch of lady family friends drive to Pennsylvania for a weekend to shop. I’d like to be out of my size and into a lower one before we go: ↓10 pounds by my August 22nd weigh in.

Halloween: My best friend and I host a huge Halloween party every year and I’d really like to be able to feel confident and more comfortable in my skin (and just maybe wear a kinda slutty-ish costume, just maybe): ↓20 pounds by my October 24th weigh in.

New Years: I’d very much like to wear a dress and feel fabulous in it to ring in 2012: ↓20 pounds by my December 26th weigh in.

BFFF’s Birthday: I’d like to wear another pretty dress and feel even BETTER in it: ↓20 pounds by my February 20th weigh in.

My 24th Birthday: I would like to be down to the lowest weight I can ever remember being at and again, wear the prettiest dress and feel like a billion trillion bucks: ↓20 pounds by my May 28th weigh in.

Now, broken up it seems pretty doable. All of my goals are spaced out with enough time in between them to be able to achieve them. But I have to be honest, looking at it all laid out is intimidating me a bit. I suppose I’ve fallen victim to a vicious ‘stinkin’ thinkin’' cycle. I never really believed I could lose weight, so I didn’t and when I would give up, my actions reaffirmed my negative thoughts. Talk about going nowhere, getting nothing done pretty damn fast. There are people who accept their bodies, skinny and fit women. Then there are people who accept their bodies, curvy and chubby women (some of which are down with the ‘FA Movement’ (fat acceptance). I was neither. I’m the person who isn’t happy and doesn’t think I can do a damn thing about it. How sad. But even more so, how maddening. Why the hell can’t I? I’m a young, able bodied chick. Clearly that negative shit has got to stop. I have to have faith in myself and actually believe that I can do this, to actually do it.

As for my first weigh in (posted late)…

Deeeeeeeeep breath. Okay. Last Monday I finally decided to weigh myself. I had been avoiding the scale like the four exs/ex flings/ex never was but they still try to holler contacts in my phone (all inputted as DO NOT ANSWER #1,2,3 and 4). Turns out I’m at that bad weight again.The weight we all swear we wont get to again. Sigh. However, instead of acting like a baby and crying about it I remembered my plan. In keeping with the plan, all last week I was on track. I tracked, drank a ton of water and treadmilled x 5. I’m not going to lie, when Monday morning came along, I was nervous. I have severe commitment issues when it comes to goals. I make them and freak the f out at the thought that I might have to abandon them again. I don’t want to feel like a failure. Because of my nervousness I even stripped down to just my granny undies. Waiting for the numbers to register my fate, I could have sworn I heard dooms day music. Turns out, I lost 6.7 pounds! Pretty damn awesome huh?! Just goes to show me that when I’m on track I see results. Simple as that. Because really, out of all the things to be committed to, it might as well be me!

Oh, oh, oh, in my next post I will for sure show you guys my goal board. It’s awesome!

Awareness, Antonyms & Giving Baked Goods The Finger

2011-06-28T00:28:00.003-04:00

Hello Baby Biscuits,

Can you guys believe my ass and knees are still sore from 12+ hours of putting furniture together (on both) on Saturday and Sunday? My goodness. If they’re not better tomorrow I’m enlisting the man for some massages.

I had some serious moments of awareness this past week, let me fill you in on the biggest one.

Tuesday:

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, I basically helped my cousin with house stuff all day. I left the house super early and apparently a chocolate milk isn’t enough for breakfast. It definitely will not keep you full until 3pm. Surprising, right? Starving, I decided Harveys was my only option. Standing in the line up, I suddenly became very aware of my surroundings. Have you ever had one of those moments? Where you feel like you’re under a microscope? Your senses are all numb and you’re completely and utterly consumed in your thoughts and feelings? Let me take you there.

I see gorgeous people. I feel like a hippo among gazelles. I realize how fitting it is to see a chubby chick in a fast food joint. I get it. I envision the way other people see me right now. I take deep breaths and try to make myself seem as small as I can. As if with every breath, I could deflate myself. Smaller and smaller and smaller. In realization, I doubt anyone was paying me that much attention. I hope not. I come outside with my greasy paper bag filled with fat and calories and shame in the form of a burger and fries. I see more gorgeous people. Men wiping the sweat off their brows with Nike Dri-Fit workout shirts, giving people a glimpse at their chiseled 6 or 8 packs. I can’t help but think if I wasn’t with N, this guy would never even look my way, much less give me a second glance. Tanned women in their flowing skirts, spaghetti strap tank tops, and boho braids. I don’t tan, I freckle. A flowing skirt would look like a table cloth on me. I would never even consider wearing a spaghetti strap tank top. Boho braids? Well, I could pull those off. A pair of friends coming out of the local gym, lululemon clad with long, highlighted ponytails. I have a highlighted ponytail. However, I’m walking out of a Harveys and lululemon clothes do not fit. Not yet, at least. Long, lean limbs. Slender necks. Pronounced collarbones. Accentuated waists. Dainty. Fashionable. Elegant. Graceful. Petite. And then there’s me. The antonym of my surroundings. To say I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb would be an understatement. It was actually the crappiest I’ve felt in a while. I get in the car and think, I cant possibly be a fixture of such a new, up and coming, trendy neighborhood until I looked like I could fit in. Maybe just a little bit. Right now, sitting here writing this, part of me realizes how ridiculous this sounds. The other part agrees with it, whole heartedly.

When it comes to me and how I look, I’m always torn. I practice ‘fake it till you make it’ like one would a religion. I strut like a motherfucker when I feel up to it. I find myself assuring myself that I’m pretty it situations where I feel insecure. When I walk down the street I give myself prompts. Smile. Elongate my neck. Relax my shoulders. Take methodical steps, try to look graceful. Suck in my stomach. I assure myself. I have a pretty face. I have nice hair. I look put together. I put a mask no one else sees, notices or hears. I do it to make myself feel better about what I’ve done to myself. How ridiculous. I made my bed right? I dealt myself these cards, I should just own it. But I don’t. I’m embarrassed and ashamed and feel the need to apologize about the way I look.

I’m not waiting to start tomorrow, or Monday, or the first day of next month (which happens to be Friday). I’m starting right now. I’m publishing this post, going to flip off the pound cake on my kitchen counter that I’ve been thinking about and getting my sore ass on the treadmill.

One step at a time, one ‘fuck you pound cake’ at a time. Pound by pound, it’ll happen if I make it happen. ***UGH, Blogger keeps eating my posts!!! Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone know how I can retrieve my last blog post? :(***

BRB

2011-06-24T15:08:00.001-04:00

Hello Sweet Peas,

This week has been ridiculously busy! Oye vey! I promise I’ll be back on Monday with a proper post.

Today’s the mans 29th birthday, I’m off to celebrate.

Have a lovely weekend everyone!

Cooking Up A Plan

2011-06-20T22:45:00.001-04:00

Hello Blog Friends,

Monday just seems like the perfect day to blog, doesn’t it? Now, see, I could go into depth as to why today sucked hard. I could go on and on about one of my favorite celebrity crushes passing away, RIP Ryan Dunn. I could also tell you how much it fucking sucked to step on an extra long posted stud earring. Yup. All of it, all the way into the ball of my foot. I could also bitch and complain that the ‘side bang’ the chick cut into my hair is not a side bang at all, it’s more like a too short full bang. But I’m not going to elaborate on the shitty things. Because really, why bother? No one wants to hear that and it’s not conducive to my newly found PMA (positive mental attitude) lifestyle. Lets talk about what’s awesome.

A new year or a new month seem like too long to wait for a fresh start but every week we get one. Monday. A fresh start. A way to get back on track. Refresh.

I’ve been doing pretty damn good. I’m a bit undecided as to whether I should switch things up and follow Weight Watchers PointsPlus or stay with the old program. Sometimes I get a bit bored with the same old same old but I know that I’ve got a long way to go before I’ll be able to eat and live without following some sort of plan, including tracking and exercise. So basically I need to come up with a plan, something that I will follow, and get comfy. Now obviously saying something ridiculous like I’ll always eat 5 less points than what I should daily, exericse for 2 hours a day, and drinking 5L of water daily is not realistic. I know that. When I come up with the perfect plan for me, I’ll be sure to share it with you lovely individuals.

Till next time lovers!

Why, Hello There

2011-06-14T21:46:00.001-04:00

Hello Sweet Peas,

I’m here, doing well. Sorry I haven’t posted recently, I suppose I haven’t had much to say.

Hmmm, whats been new?

I went to an amusement park, worried about getting stuck on a ride or the seat belt not fitting. Did not get stuck, the seatbelt did fasten just fine. Got a wicked spider bite. On antibiotics. Yup.

Tried to get my head around counting calories. Couldn’t. Back to tracking points. Had a much snackier week last week than I would have liked. Kicking myself in the ass.

I’ll be back sometime in the near future without something awesome.

My Birthday Weekend Recap and Treadmill or Sex?

2011-06-07T21:40:00.001-04:00

Hello Sunflowers,

It’s been a little bit since I’ve posted, let me fill you in…
Friday: I did lots of running around and errands during the day. Spent the night dancing with my love at The Roosevelt Room and drinking.

Saturday: A bunch of chicks and I went out to celebrate my birthday. First stop, Watusi. Downtown Toronto peeps, definitely go to this place. Quaint cocktail lounge. Great apps, delicious drinks, sexy ambiance.

Then we headed over to a club called El Convento Rico. It was originally a lgbt club, turned latin club turned Little Italy hot spot with a drag show at midnight. This place was packed and so hot but SO fabulous! Great music, great drinks, great crowd.

Here’s me and my fabulous make-up

I had a great time and didn’t let my feelings of self consciousness get in the way, not even once.
Sunday: I vegged. I was so tired and so sore from two full nights of dancing.
Monday: Hung with the monsters, they had a P.D day from school and went to Yorkdale with my beau.
Today: Made butter chicken, chicken pot pie and black forrest cupcakes. All homemade. I’m a friggin’ domestic goddess guys!

I just started reading Women, Food and God, so far so good. I’m hoping to embrace the message of the book as much as I can.

Oh and, my weigh in yesterday, –1.8. Pretty sweet considering all the eating out and drinking I did last week. Super happy.

Off to clean my room and either a.) walk on my treadmill at 2.0 mph for 42 minutes to burn 269 calories or b.) take part in 70 minutes of ‘vigorous’ sex burning 268 calories (as quoted by fitwatch.com) Hm, decisions, decisions.

Update and ABCDEFood

2011-06-02T20:58:00.001-04:00

Hello Peaches,

Today I got my hair done. At first I absolutely hated it but its starting to grow on me. Once I wash it and style it myself, hopefully it will look a bit more like me.

Before:

and

After:

Completely different, right? I’m done crying over it so I better start learning to love it. Yes, you read that right, I cried 8 times in the span of 3 hours over my hair. Don’t judge me!

This calorie counting thing has me a bit stumped. How many calories is an apple? 1 cup of milk? I feel like a moron asking but where can I find the info for these things. Am I having a blonde moment? Is that a legitimate question?

My eating has been great lately. But in a weird way. On Tuesday my Grandad took me to Montanas. I ate a firecracker burger with colby cheese, onion straws and fried jalapeno peppers with fries and a strawberry daiquiri. I’ve had my black forest birthday cake every day since Monday. Yet, I’ve gained no weight. Why? Who knows! I think it might be because I’m eating like a ‘normal’ person should. I’m not binging. I’m eating when I’m hungry and stopping when I’m full and drinking a good amount of water. Huh. Who knew that stuff actually works?! Now all I need to do is keep that up and add some treadmill into the mix and I’ll be doing even better. I’m going to behave myself tomorrow and Saturday during the day because Saturday night I’m going out with a bunch of lovely chicks to dance to some salsa, reggae, top 40 and hip hop, sip too many alcoholic beverages and cheer for drag queens. Should be a lot of fun! I’m pretty proud of myself as of late, feeling better and better about myself as well.

I totally copied Andrea and did a ABCDEFood thing, check it out..

A is for Apple, what’s your favorite variety?
Either Pink Ladies, Granny Smiths or Honeycrisps. I really like all types of apples though.
B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?
There is this Portugese bakery near my house that has the most delicious crusty but soft white buns. More addictive than crack cocaine, I’m telling you.
C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
I’ve always loved regular Cheerios. I will partake in a bowl of Fruit Loops though.
D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
Sour cream glazed with a glass of cold milk. God damn.
E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
90% of the time eggs make me feel ill but if I do have them its almost always scrambled.
F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
Coke Zero or Diet Coke.
G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
Well my parents purchase the household groceries but we almost always buy them from Fortinos. We’re creatures of habit.
H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
A white hot chocolate or caramel machiato from Second Cup.
I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
Cookies and Cream with some whip cream or chocolate ice cream with some chopped salted peanuts on top.
J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
I really like strawberry jam on top of some lightly buttered toast but I hardly ever eat it. I put guava ‘spread’ on soda crackers as a snack, try it, it’s yummy.
K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
The only Kashi product I’ve ever eaten was some sort of pumpkin granola bar. It was good.
L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
Two handfuls of Cripsy Minis Caramel Kettlecorn snacks and some water whilst sitting in a hair salon with a head full of tin foil. That sounded like such a skinny bitch statement didn’t it?
M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
Microwave popcorn with some not quite melted marshmallows and chocolate chips.
N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
Carbs. I would do unholy things to an artisan baguette. Heh…..kidding.
O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
I almost always use olive oil. I like to use avocado oil too but its so bloody expensive.
P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
I get the majority of my protein from meat.
Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
Over top of fruit salad and yogurt.
R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
Chicken rubbed with a bunch of flavorful spices, a big bulb of garlic drizzled in oil or cauliflower.
S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
I love sandwiches, the most perfect invention ever. I would never turn down a nice veal parmigiana sandwich.
T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
Hm, well, not too much. I basically eat what I want, within moderation and walk off as much as I can.
U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
Creamy coldslaw with chopped up pickles. It’s really good! Sweet, salty, crunchy…perfect.
V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
Nada. That’s bad, right?
W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
Yay, but only a little bit. Not a lot, and definitely not snorted Jackass style. Definitely not.
X: is for XRAY. if we xrayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
A couple strawberries, some Crispy Minis Caramel Kettleborn snacky-things, and a burger with a handful of shitty fries and some salad.
Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
My grandmothers meatloaf with cauliflower and cheese sauce made from scratch.
Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
Sauteed in a bit of olive oil with some vegetable seasoning.

The Big Switch?

2011-05-31T14:56:00.002-04:00

Hello Sweethearts,

Thank you all for the birthday messages! I'm so grateful to have immediate family who got me the best present and the birthday cake a girl could ask for, a best friend who took me out for a fabulous birthday eve dinner, family and friends who called, texted, FB'ed, Tweeted, all of you and a man who gave me a ridiculously romantic night last night. I'm so lucky.

I think I'm going to switch from counting points to counting calories. I need to spice up my weight loss routine and I'm thinking the switch might be good for me. Thoughts?

I'm off to dinner and a movie with my Grandad :)

It's the birthday girl!

2011-05-30T20:49:00.003-04:00

Hello Love Birds,

It's my 23rd birthday today. Actually, a couple minutes ago (9:32pm) I was born. I started celebrating my birthday yesterday and I'm going to continue until Saturday. I hopped on the scale this morning and discovered my -3.5 loss(!!!!!!!!) and did a little happy dance. This week is going to be fabulous for me, make it fabulous for you too! I'm off to the Four Seasons to celebrate with the man.

Love you guys!!

One Big F’ing A-ha Moment After Another

2011-05-25T22:52:00.001-04:00

Oh man…

The last post was really hard for me to write. When I first started this ‘journey’ someone told me that losing weight is 80% mental. If you believe you can, you will. Somehow I must have forgot this along the way.

Again, thank you for your thoughtful comments. As I like to do from time to time, I’m going to address your comments here..
Safire: Because of your comment I’m going to post one of the pictures from my last post as my before picture. Might not seem like a big deal, but it is for me.
Tricia: You’re awesome, your comments always make me smile, thank you for doing so on all of my posts!
LaraG: You’re right. I’m not going to wait for that uplifting motivating moment, after all, its how you power through the valleys in stead of soaring through the peaks, right?
Losing It: “Time to believe it in your core. Embrace it and do it girl!” that sent a shiver down my spine. Those words will be something I look back on, daily. Thank you for that.
Miss Erika: I’m not going to justify things with excuses anymore, there’s absolutely no point in it. I think I’m going to buy a bikini soon to use as a motivational tool.
Enz: Leave it to you to leave a comment that would rock me to my core. I can honestly say, I don’t know that. But I’m going to keep telling myself that I do until I believe it.
Claire Dawn: That’s just what I intend to do, thank you for your continual support!
Natasha: You’re right, I am. Thank you.

I love my followers and the people who comment so, so much. Virtual hugs for you all.

I’ve had a couple aha moments in the past couple weeks. The biggest ones: I don’t think I deserve to be happy and I don’t think I have it in me to create the body I want by losing weight and gaining a healthy relationship with my myself, my body and food. Major, I know. Clearly I need to resolve these issues before I will make any progress in anything that I do. Because of that I have taken some of the necessary steps to be a better me. Its about time I start loving the me that other people love.

As I watched Oprah’s last show, bawling my eyes out, she said "There's a difference between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing that you are worthy of being happy. Your being alive makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough."

Talk about the universe talking to you, huh?

The Anchor Weighing Me Down, Me.

2011-05-18T21:00:00.001-04:00

Hey my Chiquita Bonitas (as I don’t think I have any male readers),

Oh my good goodness, it’s been nothing but rain here in Toronto and it’s getting to be really gloomy! We have a long weekend coming up and the forecast is calling for more rain. What. The. Hell? I know it could be worse, it could be snow, but all this rain is giving me a Diana Ross ‘fro. No good. If there’s any readers from California, I’ve got severe weather envy.

I want to thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. I’m just so over dreading looking through Facebook albums because I’m scared and sickened and embarrassed to see what I may look like in those pictures. Then I worry about what other people think of them, I know I shouldn’t but I really can’t help it.

Even as I typed those last sentences, I realized how silly they sound. I mean, scared, sickened and embarrassed? Really? Why am I allowing this? Why am I allowing myself to do this to me? It’s getting to be ridiculous. I’m done with…
-not being happy with myself
-not wanting to go out because I hate the way I look in everything I own
-not feeling sexy, and worth it, and pretty and fun
-not having any structure anymore, just eating whatever I please, whenever I please, racking the pounds up
-letting all this time go by, not being the best me I can be

I’m done.

I’ll never be the bright, shiny, smiley girl in the after picture if I don’t finally decide that I’m not going to live this life anymore.

You know, I set all these goals and I never reach them. I was supposed to be smaller for my birthday. I’m not. I was supposed to be healthier for this summer, as of yet, I’m not.

I’m done being the biggest disappointment to myself.

And as I sit here, typing this, feeling like a bag of shit, crying like a fool, I know that it can only get better. Even when my muscles are sore, and I’m sick and fucking tired of counting points and tracking and practicing portion control. Even then, it can only get better.

The weigh ins where you’ve lost weight and you feel on top of the world? It’s worth it. The sweat trickling down your face? It’s worth it. The muscle pains, loose pants and compliments, they’re worth it.

I’m a relatively healthy girl who doesn’t have any ailments or diseases to stop me from doing this. I have friends and family and a boy who I love greatly, who want better for me. I have a treadmill in my room that will help me lose weight, lose pant sizes and gain confidence, years to my life and self worth. I have everything I need to have to change my life. I not only want to, I need to. I need to stop being the anchor weighing down my life.

I’m worth it.

Boy Troubles & A Harsh Realization

2011-05-16T21:20:00.001-04:00

Hello Friends,

I’m still around, alive and kicking. May has been all sorts of crazy. Between a surprise 30th birthday for my cousin, my sister’s dance recital, a girls weekend away, a stomach flu, a broken laptop, an almost week long fight with the man, then some more dramarama with said man, a stolen wallet, trying to learn a new language and PMS that has lasted 3 weeks…..gasp……I'm all busied up. I’m sorry for is being so dusty around these parts.

Eating has been a bit better, but no where near where it should be. I finally started tracking again and actually got on the treadmill this morning at 5am guys. 5AM!!!!!! That's unheard of around here. Now all I have to do is keep up the momentum.

I spent the weekend at my best friend’s house. I needed to get away from home, and the man especially. We had a huge blowout, and while we actually fight like adults now (unlike when we dated years and years ago), I was uncertain of our future together. It was very scary. I told him that we needed some days to think so we said our byes on Friday night and I told myself I wasn’t going to talk to him until today. A bunch of us girls went to a local club on Saturday and as much as I wanted to accept his offer via BBM, text and phone calls to come out and party with us, I knew I shouldn’t. I spent half of Saturday night feeling horribly self conscious, and then I got tequila drunk and didn’t feel much after that. Spendid. Sunday was spent the true love of my life, S. I know I’ve talked about her on my blog before, but her and I have been inseparable for the past 16 years and we have the best time together. We cooked dinner, watched movies, laughed and talked, what we do best. In the back of my head I was still really anxious about N.

He called me today, said he was coming to pick me up. We spent the next 30 minutes driving to his place in silence. Me pretending to be busy on my phone, stealing unsure glances at him, and him driving. In silence. Shit. I was sure that we were going to break up. We got to his place and without saying more than 10 words to each other, we spent 4 hours (4. FOUR. Yes…4!!!)tangled in sheets. Things are back to normal, we both apologized, and all is well with N&E again. Sigh. Ok, no more about the boy for now, just needed to get it out there.

A couple of hours ago I was looking through the biffs Facebook and I came across pictures from Saturday night…

…Jesus, I really look like that, don’t I? In my head I don’t. How freaking sad is that?

Perfect NSV Day, Fabulous? and One Expensive Piece of Ass

2011-05-03T21:34:00.004-04:00

Hello Sweetie Pies,

Just a quick hello. I made awesome choices today, drank all my water and got an hour of exercise in. Yay me. I hope you all have a great rest of the night and a fabulous day tomorrow. Speaking of....are you doing something that makes you feel good about yourself everyday? Perfume, a good long walk, bubble baths, painting your nails, reciting affirmations, winking at a cute guy/girl? Do something for yourself, you're worth it.

P.S...the man called me this morning at 4:30am. Any idea what an hour long phone convo/booty call from Cuba to Toronto will cost him? *Snicker*. I guess rum + 4 days away makes the head foggy (who calls long distance, with no phone card, for an hour?!) and the body desperate. What a silly boy (but I'd be lying if I said I didn't love the fact that he said missed me terribly and after my response of "how sweet" asked if I missed him at all.).....I'm evil.

P.S.S Tomorrow I will post a better post, with no mention of the man or any kind of booty call of any sort (am I too liberal for you guys? Sometimes I think I dance along the edge of TMI).

:o)

Can a girl get a fist pump?

2011-05-02T20:35:00.001-04:00

Hello love birds,

Just a tiny post tonight….

So guess what besties?! I lost 2.3 pounds this week! Can a girl get a fist pump? Yay!

Have a lovely night :)

Sans the man, Sans the plan

2011-04-30T10:43:00.003-04:00

Hello Beauties,

This week has been slower than the week before, thank goodness. The week coming up? Insane. But that's okay, I'm glad...

See, the man, my man, is gone on vacation. His flight left on Friday, at 7am. I said my first goodbye to him on Friday, at 4am. I went shopping with him, helped him pack, warned him to apply sunscreen religiously and not drink himself into a hospital. He doesn't have a drinking problem but he's going away on a week long bachelor party, with 11 other guys. Something tells me responsibility will escape him for most of the week. So at 4am, he dropped me off at home. I cried like a chick who thought her man was never coming back. I waved goodbye at the door, walked to my room with my head hung low, and flopped on my bed, he called 12 minutes later. "What's sleep? I'll sleep on the plane. Talk to me now." My second, and last goodbye, was said as he was walking into Pearson Airport towards his friends. Yesterday was the first day I haven't talked to him/seen him in well over 9 months. I wasn't too sure how to feel about that. If I'm not seeing him, we're talking on the phone, if we're not doing that, we're BBMing. Every night I either fall asleep with him, or he waits till I fall asleep and hangs up the phone. Every single night. Then I got to thinking, am I addicted to this man? Are we in some weird codependent relationship? Do I depend on him for my fun, my sleep, my sanity? And then I snapped myself out of it. Yesterday I went to this hair salon in my city, this woman is absolutely a genius with cuts and colour, and sat for 3 hours while my momma and aunt got their hair did. I decided to wait a little closer to my birthday to get my hair done, but the jealousy was building. See, my mom works hard. She's a nurse who doesn't get paid nearly enough for what she does, she's a mom of 3, the best mother actually, our households rock. So to see her come out of the salon with a fresh cute cut and some seriously sexy highlights, feeling great about herself, made the 3 hour wait ok. Both her and my aunt were beaming, it was cute. We then had some family over to watch the Royal Wedding on PVR. I went to sleep with Sex and the City season 6 and my tears (just call me Sappy McSapperton). Today is going to be better. I'm spending the day with my sister, we'll probably go to Chapters to pick up my English to Italian dictionary (will explain later) and do sister stuff. Tomorrow I'm going to my best friends house for a dinner and movie date. All next week I'm going to be a busy, busy bee. So while I miss my man and love him fiercely, I'm alright without him. Just fine.

I'm finding it really easy to not get into the weight loss groove. My plan got shot to shit early last week. I lost track of things for a day and got myself back into the next day. Whew, close one. I just have to keep telling myself that if I don't embrace it now, I'll have to in 5, 10, 15 years. So really, what better time is there but right now? Last night I passed on pizza for both lunch and dinner. Instead I had a turkey club for lunch, and baked pasta for dinner. I didn't have any wine or cheesecake and yesterday was the only day this week that I drank all 3L of water. Today, I'm sticking to my plan. And not crying myself to sleep.

Happy Birthday Glam,Glitz&Gut!!!!!!!!

2011-04-26T15:31:00.001-04:00

Well Glam,Glitz&Gut, you’re 2. Here’s to another wonderful 2 years. Another fabulous 336 posts.

Question: Have you ever been sitting there, carefully sipping a cafe au lait when you realize that something big is coming up in a month and you haven’t done a damn thing about that thing you swore up and down you’d get on top of. And I’m not talking about George Clooney. Unfortunately, I’m talking about losing weight. My 23rd birthday is 33 days away. My birthday outfit is hanging on the back of my laundry room door. My birthday outfit most likely will not fit. #$%&!!!!! Jesus, time is exactly like sand through the hourglass isn’t it? But it isn’t times fault, its procrastination’s fault. Which really isn’t procrastination’s fault either, is it? It’s my fault. I got an Oprah newsletter email today with the subject, Stop Being So Hard On Yourself. I think I should be harder on myself, Oprah. I think I should stop skipping around what I need to do and tackle it. I’ve been putting it off for far too long.My birthday is coming up, summer is quickly approaching and so is my big Grove City shopping trip at the end of September. I need to get my ass in gear, people!

On that note, I’ve got a date with the treadmill….

;o)

Busy Busy Weekend & Weigh In

2011-04-25T18:32:00.001-04:00

Hello beautiful bunnies,

I hope everyone had a fabulous Easter. Since my last post on Wednesday, shit has been busy!

Thursday during the day I went shopping with my dude. He is going to Cuba for ~~a week long booze fest~~ bachelor party on Friday so he needed to get some stuff for the upcoming festivities. He’s going to be gone for a week and I’m going to miss the shit out of him. Really. I’m probably going to cry when he leaves. Insert sad face. But anywho, I did some running around with him and made sure I was home for the monsters after school. Promptly at 3:44pm (when they get off the school bus), my sister and a bunch of kids from the street busted through my front door to tell me B, my little brother, was hurt. I ran out to find my littlest man, on the sidewalk, bawling his eyes out. He hurt his hand. After 20 minutes of watching his baby finger swell up like a sausage, my mom and I took him to the walk in, who directed us to the xray lab, the xray lab sent us back to the walk in clinic with the xray results, who sent us to the emergency room. 6.5 hours later, we were home with a little boy with a re-broken finger (they had to set it, in order to do that, they had to break it in two places again) in a cast. My poor kiddo. All is well now, but I felt so bad for him!

On Good Friday all the ladies of my family go to my grandmothers house and ‘do’ Latvian Easter eggs. My grandmother was born in Latvia and likes to carry on some traditions from her homeland. Latvian Easter eggs are made by using everyday materials (carrot tops, celery tops, flowers, lace, dill etc) to decorate Easter eggs. You place those materials on an egg, place the egg in some brown onion skins, and wrap everything up in cloth, tie it with twine and boil it. The flowers sometimes gives off some pretty colour, the carrot tops and what not leave imprints on the egg and the brown onion skins turn the eggs brown. Because Latvians back in the day didn’t have a lot of money, this is how they could decorate Easter eggs using whatever was around. After the eggs are done, we eat lasagna and drink wine. I love our family tradition and I plan on carrying it on through the years to come.

Saturday my day started at 6:00 am. I helped clean the house (as my family comes over on the Sunday or Eater dinner) top to bottom, picked up the 23 pound turkey from the Apple Factory, a local ‘country’ market,

picked up some groceries, got the kids their Easter presents, went to the LCBO, came home, made the cupcakes, showered, got ready, and went on a date night with the man. The plan was dinner and the movies. What actually happened was….dinner, the movies, drinks which turned into club hopping, which turned into him dropping me off at 4:55am. Zombie mode.

Sunday I helped my mom set the table, cook the meal, got ready, and had a fabulous dinner with my 17 family members. The man picked me up at midnight, when my family left, and I went back to his place for 5 hours. Somewhere around 2:00am-ish he woke me up to talk about engagement rings. Um, what? This coming from the man who is hesitant about marriage and making babies because that means he’ll be giving up ‘his youth’. Jesus. I played it cool and fell back asleep. Craziness. I got home at 6am, passed out for two hours and here we are.

Today, I’m not doing a damn thing. Well except for tonight, I’m going back to the dudes house to watch movies and cook him dinner. Today also happens to be my weigh day. Shit. I woke up this morning knowing I gained weight. I wasn’t going to weigh in, but I told myself I absolutely had to. I jumped on the scale…….-1.0. Okay, one pound is not a lot. Especially since I’m in Alexia’s Summer Lovin’ Challenge!

This brings me to my mini goal….

I’m going to try my absolute hardest to lose more than 1.6 pounds this week. Now, I know I went on and on about how perfectly happy I am with losing 1-2 pounds a week but I really, really want to lose more this week, to prove to myself that I can. So how am I going to go about this?
-I’m going to track and be 100% on plan
-I’m going to walk on the treadmill once a day
-I’m going to drink at least 2L of water a day
The tried and true way, right?

Be Fabulous (even when you're sick)

2011-04-20T20:34:00.004-04:00

Hello Sun Rays,

Things are a bit grumpy over in my parts. I'm coming down with a serious 'Spring' cold and a sinus infection. Peeeeeerfect. As I was watching Sex and the City 2 today, I had a thought. Feeling fabulous is great, right? I know when I get ready for fun outings, dates, weddings, big parties, I usually do something that makes me feel extra confident/sexy/fabulous. So why not do a little something everyday? A dab of Chanel No.5 behind the ears, some sexy undies under your jeans, painting your nails, putting on some lovely lipstick. So that's just what I'm going to do. Every day I'm going to do something that makes me feel fabulous. Today, paired with knee socks, track pants and a 2 sizes too big tshirt, I wore my favorite black lace undies. And I felt great about it. I encourage you all to do it too!

Just a quick question, has anyone made quinoa with milk? I was thinking of using up the rest of my quinoa and treating it like an oatmeal. Let me know bloggers!

I'm off to drink my 6th cup of tea, drowned myself in crumpled up tissues and slather my nose, chest and feet in Vicks. Super sexy.

First Weigh In For The Summer Lovin’ Challenge and Comment Love

2011-04-18T17:25:00.001-04:00

Hello Sweet Peas,

First things first, today is Monday, and as you all know, Monday is my weigh day. Today also happens to be my first official weigh in for Alexia’s Summer Lovin’ Challenge (http://www.dimplesnatcherblog.com/). I was super annoyed this morning, I didn’t get nearly enough sleep. I chose to actually get up out of bed at 10 something to accompany the man while he drove 40 minutes out of the way to get food. There’s this 24 hour spot by the airport that I introduced him to and ever since, he’s been hooked. So we sat, in the car, from 11pm-4am, talking and laughing. See, the man has very odd sleeping habits. He’ll sleep between 3-5 hours a night, 6 days a week, then sleep for about 8-16 hours one day a week. Because of this, I end up falling asleep at my normal times, between 10pm-12am. Then whenever the man gets home from hockey, baseball, basketball, the gym, the bar, the club, or his friends house (whichever he might be doing that evening), he’ll call me any time between 10pm-4am and we’ll talk for a couple of hours. So bloody tiring. Oh well, I guess I’ll sleep in my 30s. So anywho, I hopped on the scale this morning and hoped for the best. –1.6. I’m not super pleased with my loss. I was really hoping for a larger number, but a loss is a loss, no matter how small.

Secondly, I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I love hearing from you guys. I always have things to say back to you all so I figured I’d do it in this blog post…
Trisha – I guess sometimes we have to do what you don’t like sometimes. That’s life, right? Maybe if I stick to yoga and keep practising on my flexibility, I’ll be able to do the peacock pose one day.
Miss Erika – It is definitely a challenge, learning to embrace that. No problem, I always love following new blogs.
Losing It – Love it! Oh and not a chance, thank goodness!
MiZFit – Crazy, right? I love your comments.
Safire – I thought it would be kind of interesting to blog about what was going through my mind, glad you enjoyed it.
Amanda – I love when I see you’ve blogged too!
Andrea – I’ve missed your posts very much, glad to see you’re still reading though. I’m definitely going to think of each breath being a different colour and blowing up a big heart shaped red balloon with each breath. That’s such a great idea. I think I’m just going to ignore my yoga instructor when he’s telling me I’m doing the pose wrong etc. Thanks for the yoga insight.

Thirdly, what do you guys think of the new blog design?

Yoga Rant, The +s&-s and a ‘Thieving Ass Hoe’

2011-04-14T21:42:00.001-04:00

Hello Lovebirds,

Lets talk yoga….

I’m not loving it. I thought I’d love it, but I don't thus far. I’m not bendy enough. I thought I was pretty flexible but yoga has taught me that I’m not nearly as bendy as I should be. I’m not zen enough. When I should be emptying my mind, I find myself thinking about a gazillion things. We start yoga at 7:30, and at 7:28, I’m already telling myself I need to empty my mind. And it starts..

I sit, Indian style, waiting. Geeze, I really need to shave my legs. Christ, I need to paint my toenails too, look at those chippy toes. My yogi tells us to release our tension, sit and focus. And I start to try to focus. Hmmm, how long are we just supposed to sit here, I wonder how much time has gone by, surely a couple minutes. At least 5 minutes for sure. I should just take a quick peak at the clock just to see. I open my eyes, it’s 7:32. I close them. Oh God, a minute and a half. Really? Ok, here we go, emptying my mind. I’m going to pretend I’m taking the garbage out, the garbage being my mind. I’m walking it to the curb, plopping it down, and waiting for the garbage man. Ok, maybe that’s not the best analogy. Mooooving on…I wonder what N is doing. He looked so cute today in his new Calvin Klein shirt. I love the way he dresses. Calvin Klein shirt, belt, dress pants, black on black, just the way I like it. And black boxers. Those were delicious. So nice and fitting. I open my eyes, peak at the time, 7:33, and shake thoughts of N’s boxer bulge out of my mind. God, I’m a horndog, everyone around me are having enlightened thoughts and I’m thinking about the asian sausage. What a loser. I need to be more spiritual, like Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. She was wicked at meditating! I’m going to pretend I’m in an Indian ashram. MMMMMM Indian, yummy naan.

Obviously I’m not even close to focused enough. Sigh. Oh and, in case I didn’t mention it before, I go to yoga with my newbie-yoga extraordinaire mom and my grandmother. My grandmother, while being caring and a great role model, is quite judgemental. I think she expects that I should be able to do Mayurasana (the peacock pose)

right off the bat. Uh, not quite. Who is she to speak? She’s no yogi anyways. Pft, grandmothers. My mom danced from the age of 4 to 19. Needless to say, my mom’s pretty good at yoga. She’s still very flexible from all the dancing she did. Needless to say, I’m jealous. It frustrates the day lights out of me when I can’t do something with ease. This is a horribly childish way of looking at things. When something gets too tough, I quit. It’s hard to admit to other people, because I spent years defending myself.

I can vividly remember sitting in the pool’s changing room where I took swimming lessons, I must have been about 13, telling my mom I absolutely was not going out onto the pool deck to start my lesson. At 13 I was starting to get chubby, I started being aware of the fact that a lot of the other girls were smaller than me, and at that point, swimming lessons got hard. It was work. All laps, back and forth, for an hour. So because it was hard, and because I was already self conscious, I never went back.

I used to love to swim and it sucks that I let my body image (and the fact that it is a good work out and I’m a sloth) get in the way of that. I did get my ass in the pool when I went to Disney (two years ago), but it was years and years before that, and two years since. Sucky.

So I’m not going to let my body image (I’m in a class of skinny minis) or the fact that yoga is hard for me stop me from doing it. I’m just going to need to try harder and eventually I’ll get better at it. Simple as that. /Yoga rant over.

Hm, maybe I should get all my complaining out so I can focus on some good things. On Tuesday, some asshole ran a red light, hit N’s car and took off. He’s banged up but thankfully okay. People who do those things are horrible, I wish I could put a hex on them or something. I’ve been PMSing for what seems to be a month. My boobs have been swollen and sore for two weeks (TMI? N thinks this is way too TMI, I beg to differ, but I always was the sharing type, let me know). I’ve had a wicked headache/migraine for 3 days. It’s getting tired. Hmmm, I don’t think I have anything else to bitch about so lets move on the positives…

I ate great today. For breakfast I had some skim chocolate milk, a peach, strawberry and green apple melange and some vanilla yogurt with a granola and honey topping. Delicious, right? For lunch I had half a green salad and a half a pita with chicken souvlaki. For dinner I had a cup of pasta, lots of salad and almost 3L of water
I walked today, for an hour, feels good
I actually went to yoga instead of staying home like I wanted to
I gave myself a nice pep talk in the mirror and didn’t feel like a total cornball

All good things. Well, maybe calling that chick who stole my sunglasses in the doctor’s waiting room a ‘theiving ass hoe’ isn’t really a good thing. But come on, that hot handed skank deserved it! I left my sunglasses on my chair, walked up to the front desk, answered a couple of quick questions, walked back and they were gone. Chick was the only other person in the waiting room. So I got a little ‘hoodrattish’ on her, I have to show some of my heritage in my day to day life, no? I grew up in ‘hoodrat’ territory so I will get into a verbal thump down when the need arises. This is very rare. But when someone takes my Michael Kors sunglasses, that someone should expect a good ~~beat down~~ verbal shakedown. See, still a lady.

Have a lovely night everyone, I’ll be back soon

I’m On My Way & Summer Lovin’ Challenge

2011-04-13T15:23:00.001-04:00

*I had a beautiful 820 word blog post, written in Windows Live Writer just sitting on my computer, waiting to be published when my father decided he needed to use my computer and closed said blog post. I very easily could have bludgeoned him to death, but I didn’t. Pout*

Hello my pretties,

The disappointment in myself has been mounting the last couple days. I haven’t been tracking, treadmilling or drinking enough water. Being disappointed in yourself is the ultimate let down, and how horrible is it that I could make myself feel so horribly about me. So instead of revelling in my gloominess, I decided to take some steps in the right direction.

First off, I joined the lovely Alexia's Summer Lovin’ Challenge. The challenge actually starts today and the first phase goes until May 13th. I’m super excited about this and I plan on doing some things (read below) to ensure that I do well.

Secondly, Kat, one of my blogging/IRL friends wrote a wonderful blog post last week about goal setting and she wrote her own manifesto. So I decided to totally copy cat her and make my own manifesto, as per her goal setting instructions. I have yet to finish writing it, but once I do, I’ll share it for sure.

Today I had lunch with a close friend. We dined at the uber chic, super sexy Swiss Chalet(heh heh). The only thing I wanted was Swiss Chalet French fries. They’re SOOOO good. Instead I had a bowl of chicken soup and a bun. Both the soup and bun were delicious and I was proud of myself for not giving in to my greasy, high fat craving.

So guys, I’ve taken some baby steps towards success and I’m pleased with myself so far.

I’ve already had 2L of water
I’ve tracked all my eats
I’ve walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes

I’m on my way…..

Another Quicky

2011-04-02T17:43:00.001-04:00

Hello Blog Beings,

Just going to give you guys a quick run down:

Tracking has been so-so, I’m a complete lazy ass when it comes to tracking and its really starting to annoy me. Starting again Monday, will post pictures for the week on the following Monday. Got to get back into tracking, must, must, must.

My first yoga class was Thursday. It was alright. I wanted to do something fun like Zumba but I’m not going to drop out. If anything, it will make me more flexible. Unfortunately I’m not as bendy as I thought I was. I will be taking Zumba after yoga though, for sure!

Relationship is going well, still obnoxiously happy.

Went to a surprise birthday party last night and didn’t have any snacks except carrots and cucumbers sans dip. I didn’t even have cake! Massive NSV!!

Decided that I need a strict daily routine to keep me on my toes, kind of like GTL Jersey Shore style (gym, tanning, laundry for those who don’t watch). Instead of GTL it will be TTCW. Tracking, treadmilling, cocoa butter (gotta keep my skin hydrated, I’ve become deathly afraid of loose skin) and water (at least 2L everyday). New mantra effective Monday. Its effective Monday because..

tonight I’m going to a dubstep party in a Misfits tank top, splattered in glow in the dark paint. Molotov cocktails for everyone! Tomorrow I’m going to be spending the day with my biff, eating the best Greek food ever, then homemade red velvet cupcakes ala Erin, and wine, of course. Those are my weekend plans folks, have a great one!

Ok guys, I totally know that a lot of you read my blog a day, what does a girl gotta do for some more comments? I love hearing from you guys! Really!

Tracker and Being Stripped

2011-03-28T20:59:00.001-04:00

Hello Lovebirds,

Just a quick one tonight, but I’m back, as promised.

And I’m back 3 pounds lighter. I’m fighting off this Christmas weight, in March. Geeze! But 3 pounds is great, I’m super happy with 3 pounds!

Here’s my Tracker, mind you, I haven’t been eating great, but I’m still getting into it, and I’ve been staying within my points. Major!

I made a major revelation about myself a couple days ago. I hide. Especially when I go out. I hide behind my hair, I hide behind big fake eyelashes, red lips and black clothes. Because I don’t believe my body is pretty enough, I make up for it where I can. Pretty sad, but it’s true. So this weekend I decided I was going to out with different hair (usually its straightened and teased to the tits) and no make up. Yes, no make up, to night clubs. Yikes. Here’s look number 1:

and look number 2:

It make not seem major, but I was totally proud of myself.

I’ve also decided that hot pink is my new nail colour, I always feel more confident with cute nails, weird I know.

So my next goal is to track for a full week and I’m going to do it.

Big smiles around these parts guys!

Goals and Sexy Stuff: Totally Shwiiiing Worthy

2011-03-23T19:24:00.001-04:00

Hello Lovelies,

I’ve been absolute shit at posting regularly. Woops.

Lets talk about denial for a bit. I vividly remember standing in my grandmothers kitchen at 18, telling her that I didn’t need anyone’s help or any program to lose weight. Riiiiiiiight. Now, there are tons of people who don’t need help from anyone or a program, I’m not one of these people, unfortunately. I need structure. Rules. A list of things to do, how to do them, when and why. Flash forward, I’m at the ripe old age of 22 and I’m still making dumb ass decisions. I haven’t tracked a bite in a while. Call is rebellion, self sabotage, or stupidity. Who the hell knows. Tracking is vital, I must do it. But why haven’t I? Because its not easy. If it was easy it would be a breeze (double positive? Bad grammar?) and I would be doing it. Doing the easy thing is well, easy. Tracking, making good choices, weighing, pre portioning, prepping food for the week, those things aren’t easy. Unfortunately if this process were easy, 89.4% of the population would be skinny and fit, right? Perhaps doing the ‘hard’ thing is a the lazy persons deterrent. And lets face it, being fat isn’t an attractive physical trait and being lazy isn’t an attractive personality trait. Wasn’t my 2011 supposed to be about being the best me I could be?

That brings me to goals, again. I have to be the shittiest goal maker in the history of making goals. I never reach them. What type of person does this make me? An unsuccessful person? Perhaps. Well guess what guys, I’m going to make a goal, uh-huh, that’s right, another goal. Everyone, please roll your eyes back into the forward position and quiet your groans. I know this stuff must be so boring to read, considering I never follow through, but I’m going to give the cat one last kick. If I don’t make this goal, I will happily send myself to goal making purgatory, promise!

My goal is to track from today, Thursday March 24th till my next weigh in, Monday March 28th. I went back and forth debating when I should start this goal. I was thinking that I should just start next Monday, nice and fresh. Well, life isn’t always nice and fresh. Sometimes its un-deodoranted armpit on a warm August day. Not fresh at all. So no, I’m not tracking for a full week, but that’s okay because I’m going to do, get back into it. And if I don't I’ll never utter another peep about goals because really, I cannot put you all through this incomplete goal shit anymore.

So check back on Monday and I will post pictures from my 5 days tracking.

Hmmm, what else is new?

The man/N/my Asian sensation and I are doing well. We’ve recently had some big talks about us as a couple and things are falling nicely into place. Being in a healthy, stable, loving relationships has been so wonderful. Being in love is the cats meow.

Remember when I told you all that I fell down and hurt my knee? The scab is gnarly and its still pretty sore but it looks like its getting better.

I’ve been treadmilling almost everyday. I still love doing it. I’ve been increasing my speed and have been experiencing not a runners high, but a very fast walkers high, feels pretty cool and nothing like I’ve experienced before (pft, yeah right ;) ). Oh and, not a single article of clothing has been hung from said treadmill.

My new favourite food is my not-so-authentic sexy Southwest salad. Romaine lettuce, corn, black beans, tomatoes, green onion, avocado, Presidents Choice blue menu chicken strips tossed in bbq sauce and lime and chilli powder coated toasted tortilla strips. So delicious.

I got this sexy tank top from Old Navy, really cute right? (Sorry for the extreme cleavage, was trying to show off the ruffle)

My mom bought me the sexiest 5inch camel coloured wedge sandals. I’m in love with them. So sexy.

Oh, oh, oh, and guess what guys?! I’m taking my first ever yoga class starting the end of this month. My grandmother was getting all jealous because all of her friends started taking fun classes like Nia, belly dancing and tai chi so she asked if my mom and I would like to take an intro to yoga class with her. I’m super stoked to try in out, become one with my inner self and all that cool shit.

So I’ve been getting sexy on the treadmill, eating sexy salads, wearing a sexy tank top, wearing sexy sandals and getting my inner self all sexy with yoga. Totally SHWIIIIING worthy, no?

Goal Coach, Apply Within

2011-03-18T13:12:00.004-04:00

Hey All,

Just a quick post to say....

a.)I've been busy all week with the monsters as it is Hell Week (March Break)
b.)Yesterday we took a trip downtown to my fav area, Queen St., and...
1.)We visited the tattoo shop where my cousin works, New Tribe on Queen St.W(great
shop), right across from the Much Music building and I almost got a tattoo
2.)A homeless person almost peed on me
3.)Witnessed a lady pop a squat in the middle of the street
4.)Managed to avoid pizza, milkshakes, bags of chips and gummy worms,didn't manage
to avoid a quarter pounder from McDonalds or green beer though, bah!
c.)I've been walking on the treadmill every day for the past two weeks, at least once a day. I'm so proud of myself guys! I love having it in my room and I'm so pleased that I'm actually using it. Yay me.
d.)I've come to the conclusion, again, that tracking and regular weigh days are necessary. Both are critical to my success
e.)I don't think I'm going to reach my 50lbs gone before my birthday, but I'm not throwing in the towel, I'm going to try to lose what I can before my birthday. Got to revisit this whole goal thing, I'm bloody terrible at it! I need a goal coach. Who wants to be my goal coach? I can't pay you any money, but I can....uhhh....make you pretty bookmarks....and....be eternally grateful.
f.)The man is going away for the weekend, this makes me sad. He'll be home on Sunday but it still makes me sad. How vomit inducing is that? Geeze, I think I need to keep him. I've already tried to convince him that getting married and having half white, half Chinese babies in the next ten years is a good idea. The jury is still out on the half/half babies.
g.)I sneezed green glitter this morning, that can't be good.....

P.S...so guys....what did you think about my last post re: being more of a hippie? Gimme input lovelies, I wanna know what you think!

Love,
Erin

Chemical Dependant Erin, Meet Hippie Erin, Lady Gaga Love and What’s Up

2011-03-07T17:29:00.001-05:00

I’m going to start being more of a hippie.

Definitions of hippie on the Web:

hippie: someone who rejects the established culture; advocates extreme liberalism in politics and lifestyle
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
The hippie subculture was originally a youth movement that arose in the United States during the mid-1960s, swiftly spreading to other countries around the world. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hippy
hippies - flower people: a youth subculture (mostly from the middle class) originating in San Francisco in the 1960s; advocated universal love and peace and communes and long hair and soft drugs; favoured acid rock and progressive rock music
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Ok, well maybe not a hippie in that sense….

I want…
-to be more aware
-to be more in touch with nature
-to stop depending on artificial sweeteners
-to have glowing skin without using foundation and an illuminating stick
-to reap the benefits of eating cleaner
-the willpower to fight off processed food, ninja style
-a body that reflects a healthy lifestyle
-to recite at least one affirmation a day, a semi-sorta (if not completely) believe it
-a lighter spirit
-a more positive outlook
-less anxiety, more calm
-to stop popping pills for every ache and pain. I’m not a drug abuser but I do use advil, aleeve, t3s for pcos pain, gravol and pepto to make me feel better
-to eat less meat
-to take a tiny bit of the emphasis off weight loss.

Maybe a bit hippie-ish, but in a good, non-acid dropping way.

Now, of course weight loss is the most important thing I want to work on right now, however, there are other things to keep in mind. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle and weight and disease prevention is something that I will always have to work on. Hopefully I wont be losing weight for the rest of my dying days. At the end of my weight loss journey, I would love to have a ‘healthy’ outlook on food, which will most likely result in a healthy lifestyle. You know, I often ignore the fact that if I put garbage food in my body, I will get a garbage output, always. There is a reason why people say they feel so amazing after a detox, or after not eating meat for a certain period of time.

But I love meat. But I hate the fact that I eat it. I’m a hypocrite. I would love to be a vegetarian, but I’m very ignorant towards meat substitutes and I just don’t think I could go without meat. And because I love meat, I think it would be a bit silly to go without it, but that doesn’t mean I have to eat it everyday, right? I know that deprivation just doesn’t work for me. When I was on Dr.B’s I missed bread so much. It’s unrealistic and silly for me to say that I’m never going to eat it again, I just need to work on how often I eat the things I love. Because the things I love, love turning into fat on my body. I guess Nazareth had it right when they sang about love hurting.

It’s so funny that I’m posting this right after Kerry over at Skinny Me Coming Soon posted her post about eating cleaner. Her and I tend to have this weird esp thing going on sometimes. I know some of the changes I want to make will not happen overnight, and I’m okay with that. Rome wasn’t built in a day. However, I do want to take steps in revamping certain things about myself. I’ve said the same things time and time again, but I really do not want to be fighting the same fight in 10 years. I think getting a handle of changing my lifestyle in my early 20s is pretty awesome, now for the follow through.

What will I keep on doing?
-Drinking lots of water. Water is awesome and it keeps me looking fly.
-Tracking. Tracking works, it helps with organization and all that good stuff.
-Dancing to at least one Bob Marley song a day. It boosts morale, is reminiscent of summer and perks up your disposition. Honest!
-Treating myself when I feel like I need to be treated. I’ve done the deprivation thing before, I hated it, won’t do it again. However, this is not a shitty food hall pass. Nope. I’m usually a plan ahead kinda girl, so I usually have my plans for the week already set out. The good thing about that is, I know how I can allocate any extra points before I even eat them. Sounds pretty organized huh? That’s the plan!

So as I go on, I will become more of a hippie. A sometimes white bread eating, sometimes pill popping, often meat eating hippie who is looking to find a healthy balance between her old life, and her new life.

"If I have the belief I can do it I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." -Mahatma Gandhi

So, time to fill you all in on whats been new….

Thursday night I went to see Lady Gaga and I fell in love with her,

Friday I got up after 3.5 hours of sleep and went shopping with my mama, who bought me a present

Love it!!! After that I went downtown to Gay Town in Toronto and shook it with drag queens and a man in a gold lycra onesie.

Saturday I burnt my belly straining potatoes and finally got my treadmill!!!!!!!

Sunday at 3:30am, I fell and really hurt my knees and hands

as a result of a.)one too many Shirley Temples b.)crazy slippery sidewalks and c.)heels that are not meant to walk in

Today I woke up extremely sore from falling and grumpy as a bear due to lack to sleep because of my stinging/burning/aching knee. AERFHSIKSNKFVGNJK!!! Not expecting great things, I weighed in, down –2.5 lbs. Yay yay yay! I’m throwing up the deuces to all the fat I’m losing, see ya!

Life is good love birds.

Erin’s ABCs

2011-03-06T10:25:00.001-05:00

Age: 22 and a half

Bed size: Queen, and its lovely.

Chore you dislike: Cleaning the toilet, yuck

Dogs: Aren’t my thing, I’m a cat lady

Essential start to your day: A cup of black tea

Favourite colour: Black. But I’m a very cheery person, really

Gold or silver: Gold

Height: 5’5 and a half

Instruments played: Negative, never learned to play one

Job title: Maid/Child Caretaker/Student/

Kids: Are a pain in the ass, but I want at least two. Hopefully the Asian Sensation/the man/N and I make babies so we can have half white-half Chinese cutie pies.

Live: my parents, my siblings, two cats and a spirit. Seriously.

Mom's name: Anita

Nicknames: Taco Belle given to me by the bff, Chicken Babe given to me by my momdukes.

Overnight hospital stays: Never

Pet peeves: Too many to list…I’m an easily annoyed individual

Quote from a movie: “Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on” Johnny Depp in Blow

Righty or lefty: Righty

Siblings: Ben,10 and Sarah, 8

Time you wake up: 7:00am

Underwear: Boy shorts, 95% black. Something about black underwear is so sexy to me.

Vegetables you don't like: Anise, it’s gross

What makes you run late: Leaving getting ready to the last possible minute, its a character flaw.

Yummy food you make: Faux fried rice, potato salad and my awesome cupcakes

Zoo animal favourites: Elephants. I love them. In a lot of Asian and Indian countries they are sacred. They represent loyalty, wisdom, longevity and elegance. They are also symbols of good luck and excellent fortune

A Quick Hai Hai from a Lady Gaga Fangirl

2011-03-04T19:57:00.003-05:00

Hello Sweets,

So I've been working on a post for a bit but I have yet to actually finish writing, editing and all that fun stuff. So stay tuned.

Last night I went to the Lady Gaga concert at the Air Canada Center (in Toronto, Ontario, Canada) and seriously guys, I was a fan of her before but after seeing her live, I've turned into a complete Lady Gaga fan girl. I guess I've been converted to one of her little monsters. She was so unbelievable amazing, she sounded terrific, and she made a speech that brought me to tears. Seriously. I'm still so hopped up on the Gaga energy I'm dragging my ass down to 'Gay Town' to shake it.

So yes, please stay tuned for my weigh in/crazy great post/concert pics.

Paws up!!!

Teeny-Tiny Post

2011-03-02T19:55:00.001-05:00

Hey jube jubes,

Just a super short post to say…

a.) excuse my tardy weigh in
b.) -0.6lbs, hey, it all adds up
c.) i think i’m about to embark on something interesting, stay tuned
d.) still not treadmill, about to get all ‘straight outta compton’ on their asses
e.) proper post coming soon, for real

Unplugging More and More & Another Great Weekend

2011-02-27T17:10:00.001-05:00

Hello Lovebugs,

My goodness, my posts have been few and far between huh? Sorry about that. For some strange reason I’ve been feeling the need to unplug (except for Twitter, I’m an addict) lately. I’ve still been reading blogs, but when it comes to actually sitting down and writing one, I’m really good at finding better things to do (e.g drinking tea, reading books, watching Jersey Shore, talking to the man….).

As you might have read in my previous posts, I’m getting a treadmill. Have I gotten my treadmill yet? No. The people we’re getting it from are snowed in and there’s no way to get the treadmill out of the back door with all the snow they have. @%*#@&^!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m not a patient person so waiting for this friggin treadmill to get here is driving me absolutely batty. See, I have very fabulous thoughts about my treadmill. I pull my hair up in a ponytail, put on my lululemon headband, my cute gray and pink New Balance runners, throw on some 90s euro/reggae/hardcore rap/screamo/whatever the heck I’m in the mood for and walk away, pony swaying back and forth. Mind you, of course it will be nothing like that but still!!!!!! I want it now!!!!!!!!

As for my weekend, another great one. Friday I went out with the man to a pretty popular nightclub in Toronto, always fun. Saturday I ran a zillion and one errands, went to my grandparents for dinner, then headed to my best friend’s house for cake and pre-drinking, then headed to the club. I probably had too much to drink coupled with too many empty calories from the fruity concoctions I mixed with my Grey Goose(as I was doing the drunken sway) but you know what makes it ok? The 6 hours I spent dancing to reggae and hip hop Friday and Saturday night. My legs are SO sore today! I mean, the dancing I was doing would probably be considered 18A (I’m not kidding) but exercise is exercise no? Today I helped my mom clean the house, then we went grocery shopping and right after I post this, I’m going to chill out and watch the red carpet, then the Oscars! I love the Oscar awards and I watch them every year.

I’ll be back tomorrow for my weigh in results. Eek!

Why I’ve Been MIA, My Fab Weekend and My Weigh In Results

2011-02-23T21:38:00.001-05:00

Hey Lovebugs,

Sorry for being somewhat M.I.A. Do you ever feel like you need to unplug for a bit (well, except for Twitter on your Blackberry or iPhone)? Well that was me for the past couple days.

Last weekend I had a bunch of fun. On Friday I helped the man clean and organize his room. Then we went out for dinner to a Moroccan themed restaurant in Toronto called The Sultans Tent. I had the lamb, dude had the filet, both were delicious. After dinner we went to a Latin club and semi-salsa’ed. Saturday I spent the day with my best friend. We ate aloo pies and doubles, watched The Last Exorcism (really good!) and the Dunk Off and laughed enough for it to be considered an ab work out. Sunday my family and I went snow tubing. It was my first time tubing and I had a blast. My butt is still sore though, but hey, you play you pay, right? Monday was Family Day here in Canada and I spent it N and my family. And veggies!

Monday, I was a cooking machine.

I made a big batch of faux fried rice, steamed cauliflower, broccoli, brussel sprouts and asparagus and some chicken breast. It’s so much easier to take a couple hours out of the week to dedicate to making healthy food and preparing meals. Me + being left with options – willpower = crappy choices, so this way I have no reason to not choose healthy options. Bloody brilliant, right?

Seeing as I’ve been MIA, I totally forgot to post my weigh in, crap! I did, however, weigh myself and the results were: –1.3 pounds. Big smiles around here folks. Loving these consistent losses!

Too Much Water?

2011-02-16T20:03:00.002-05:00

Hello Sweethearts,

Things around here are going well. My sunny disposition is back and I'm not wasting anymore time.

I think I'm going to have to pick up some Crystal Light or something. For some reason, I'm really struggling with getting enough water in. Technically I'm supposed to drink 4.5L but that's just craziness (or is it?). For now I'm going to stick to 3L, maybe 1L of that being Crystal Light, shake things up a bit. What do you guys think?

Erin’s Got Her Groove Back? Weigh In and Plans for Success

2011-02-14T20:25:00.001-05:00

Hey Lovers,

Happy Valentines Day, blog buddies! Whether you’re spending it with the one you love, your family, friends, cats, dogs or fish, I hope you’re having a lovely one. I do believe in showing your love 365 days a year, but I also completely dig the romantic vibe of Valentines day. The man drove to my house this morning, flowers, earrings and a tea latte in hand, then he was off to work. He’s making me dinner because his house is empty for the night, I’m not sure what’s on the menu (as he has banished me to his bedroom because he wants to surprise me) but I’m sure whatever he makes will be yummy. Today I’m feeling very lucky to be in a loving relationship with a man that I can honestly say I’m head over heels in love with, a wonderfully supportive and loving family, the different circles of friends that are near and dear to my heart, and you all who keep reading my blog, keep commenting and keep motivating and inspiring me daily. My heart is bursting.

My weigh in went well. –1.8lbs. YAY! Considering that:

I ate out three times this week
I attended a ladies game night on Saturday where I ate far too many appetizers, desserts and I finished off a bottle of wine myself
I had a huge family dinner last night, complete with a ridiculously decadent chocolate cupcake
And it’s shark week…

…I’m very pleased with losing anything at all. And remember, I’m quite content with small, consistent losses that will all add up to my goal weight/size/feeling. It’s all quite simple. So yay for the scale going down, down, down! This week I’m focusing on upping my activity, drinking enough water and tracking everything I eat.

I’m crossing my fingers that I get my treadmill this week. I’m horribly impatient so I’m just dying to get it, but good things come to those who wait, right? My room is in the basement, so I’ve got quite a bit of space to put it. I’ve decided it’s going to go where I can see the TV so I can walk my belly off (because I can’t really afford to lose much of my already non-existent ass) to Jersey Shore and all the other shows that I usually watch on my butt.

Speaking of activity, I’m pretty sure my mom, my grandmother, my aunt and I are going to sign up for an intro to yoga class. I’ve never really tried yoga before, I guess I’m somewhat intimidated by it, but I’m very excited to give it a try. I’ll keep you posted.

Today I ate really well, I got 2.5L of water in and I spent about an hour outside, breaking up the ice on my drive way. Ok, it doesn’t sound hard but man oh man, I can barely move my arms now! So it was indeed a good upper body workout. Plus I cleaned the house and made dinner for my family in stiletto pumps. Any way you can get it in, right?

Tomorrow I plan cooking up a bunch of things for some lunches and dinners through the week. Turkey sausages, chicken breasts, brussel sprouts, my quinoa ‘faux fried rice’ and spinach. I’m also going to get back into having smoothies for breakfast.

Seems like I’ve got a plan for my week, I think (eek, don’t want to jinx myself) I’ve got my happy motivated mojo back and I’m ready to lose again next Monday!

Be happy blogger brethren :)<3XO

And I’m Feeling Good

2011-02-10T19:55:00.001-05:00

Hello Sweethearts,

I’m doing well.

I’m getting enough water in, I’m back to tracking diligently and I’m definitely paying more attention to what I’ve been eating. It feels good. My activity level isn’t were I want it to be, and that’s okay. It will get there, which brings me to…..

My grandmother, bless her heart, has been on my ass like a bloody staph infection. “Are you walking?” “Are you eating celery?” “Hm, not seeing much of a change, Erin.” Because her and I are both dragons (Chinese zodiac) and strong zodiac signs, we are like oil and water. I love her, don’t get me wrong, but we don’t see eye to eye on everything. She’s all about appearances, I blame the era she grew up in and being Northern European. I’ve tried to explain to her that while I know she’s concerned about me, her constant remarks and questions do not help. So when she called last night, I was ready to roll my eyes out my head and sweetly say "”uh-huh, yup, yes, ok” to everything she had to say. Instead, it was my grandfather. He told me that my grandma got him to call, because she knows I’ll listen to him and I won’t take what he says as a ‘straight attack to the jugular’. He asked if I would make use of a treadmill. I told him that I would and he let me know he’d drop it off as soon as he made arrangements to pick it up. YAY! So very soon I’m going to be the proud owner of a treadmill. And I’ll use it. Or Kerry over at Skinny Me Coming Soon will give me a swift kick in the ass.

My Late Weigh In Post and Faux Fried Rice

2011-02-08T19:49:00.001-05:00

Hey Doodlebugs,

My weigh in post is late, apologies.

Slowly but surely I’m getting back into the swing of things. With that being said, I lost –1.7 pounds. YAY! It’s not a huge loss, but you know what? I’m totally okay with that. I’ve realized that huge losses week to week are not reasonable nor are they sustainable, for me. I’m not saying that weight loss isn’t always going to be a big issue for me, but I would hate to be at goal weight, still wrestling with the same demons, knowing that I haven’t learned a damn thing. I’m okay with steady losses I’ve discovered. As long as the scale is going down, down, down, I’m happy. *However, because I’m a Gemini, my opinion on this is subject to change when I’m in a shitty mood*

I’m addicted to ‘my faux fried rice’. I boil some quinoa with chicken stock and water. Heat 2 tsps (or as much as you want really, I use a little bit to keep the points down and too much oil upsets my gallbladder) of oil up in a frying pan, add in diced carrots, sliced green onions, minced garlic, and some frozen peas. Cook until your carrots are at your desired tenderness. Add in your cooked quinoa and some soy sauce. Mix around, cook for another 5-10 minutes. Voila. So yes, I know, very simple but I was very proud of myself after I made it. So yummy. I had some tonight with a chicken breast. I’ve actually had it for lunch for the past 4 days. I'm hooked!

Tomorrow will be a better today

2011-02-03T20:57:00.001-05:00

Hello Beauties,

I’ve been having a bit of an off day…

but, I’m not going to end it on a sour note. Tomorrow is a new day, a perfect opportunity to turn things around. I think a strawberry, banana and dragon fruit smoothie will start the day off nicely, don’t you?

A Good Day

2011-02-02T20:49:00.001-05:00

Hello tulips,

I’ve had a much better day then I’ve had in a while.

I got two hours of activity in (shovelling snow, I’m going to be SO sore tomorrow, freaking snow plow compacting the freaking snow on the bottom of my freaking driveway) before noon
So far, I’ve had 3L of water
I made a bunch of yummy food: quinoa with roasted mirepoix, baked zucchini fries, and a delicious lasagna
I cleaned the whole house
The man, my Asian sensation (as I like to call him), came over and we talked and I packed him some dinner to take to work and I got another hour and a half of activity in. Heh heh.

Overall, a lovely snow day. Tomorrow I’m going to make sure to drink the same amount of water, and do something active for an hour.

Have a fabulous night lovelies! I’m off to paint my toes hot pink and give myself a face mask.

Giving it another go

2011-02-01T21:59:00.001-05:00

Dusting yourself off is so important. And incredibly humbling. There’s nothing worse than doing so well only to skate down a slippery slope and end up wasting weeks or months of hard work for binges that you don’t remember, don’t care to remember either. Actually, wait, there is something worse. Realizing a year or two or ten from now that you’ve been wasting your time in uncomfortable skin, with a shit outlook on yourself. So yes, I lost control like I have many times before but I’m dusting myself off and giving it another go.

Back to tracking. Back to measuring properly. Back to drinking water like a fish. Back to being committed. Back to enjoying the routine. Back to being proud of myself.

Well. That’s not good. But it’s ok.

2011-01-31T19:44:00.001-05:00

Hello All,

I’ve been gone from you for what feels like to long. I know. What a bad blogger I am. Apologies all around for those who have missed my posts (all…what, 1-3 of you, moving right along).

I weighed in. It was shit. I shouldn’t have stayed away from the scale too long. I realize I’ve been playing it a little fast and loose with the WW program, a little to liberal with my choices, points and portions. All easy fixes. My feelings/thoughts/facial expression when I saw the number the scale showed me:

But, it’s ok. Lord, I’ve fallen off the wagon so many times I make Charlie Sheen look like a nun. But it’s ok. I’m going to

and get lots of cardio in. Oh, and, dance my ass off like these kids.

My cousin just texted and asked if I wanted some dessert from McDonalds. I caught myself texting ‘a plain ice cream’ when I stopped myself. Nope. Today’s been a bad day but I’m not going to end it in a bad way. Instead, some frozen chocolate pudding. Bomb.

Tuna and Dress Confessions

2011-01-25T18:06:00.001-05:00

I never have posts dedicated to one thing. So today, I’m dedicating my post to two things. My secret and my dress anxiety. So first off…

I have a secret. A fairly embarrassing secret, at that.

I’m scared of canned tuna.

When I was on my Dr.B’s stint, I was limited as to what I could eat. No dairy, hardly any fruit, no potatoes or rice or pasta, no starchy vegetables. Lean chicken, fish and beef (they’ve since added pork) only. Dr B believes that limiting your carbs and fruits will enable your body to burn excess sugar which burns fat. For some reason, I could never advance to the greatest realm of ‘burning’ aka ketosis so I often could not have fruit. Sugar free jello, leafy veggies and proteins only. Tuna was my go to food. I knew that if I ate 2-3 cans of tuna a day, and some salad, I was guaranteed to lose 3-5lbs in a couple days. Tuna. Tuna. Tuna. I have not had any tuna since July or August of 2009. I just got so sick of it. The thought of it was enough to make me gag. But now I think I’m ready to reintroduce tuna into my eats. Fish is good for you. Tuna is inexpensive, versatile and convenient, so I shall not be afraid anymore. Hopefully. We’ll see.

Now, dress anxiety. Holy shit, I have some serious dress anxiety. I choose not to wear them. I think I own 3 dresses and I’d rather walk over hot coals than wear them. I hate how dresses look on me, doesn’t matter what cut, length or material the dress is. That being said, my best friends birthday is coming up, a month from tomorrow, and she is requesting all the ladies wear dresses. Insert severe dress anxiety. I have a dress in mind and it would look a whole lot nicer if it wasn’t made out of that horrible ‘clings to your body in all the wrong, cellulite showing off ways’ material. And it doesn’t even have one of those sausage sucker in layers either. Eek! It looks semi okay if I roosh (?) it up and wear it with a pair of black pants but if I smooth it out and wear it as a dress….dear lord.

So there you have it my friends, I'm scared of tuna and dresses. And I might be insane, but the jury is still out on that one.

'Scuse Me While I Kiss The Sky

2011-01-23T21:44:00.003-05:00

Hello Lovelies,

I'm feeling good. I'm feeling SO good. I'm feeling like I'm ready to start taking the necessary steps to becoming a better version of myself. I've cooked up a bunch of oats for breakfasts this week, and some quinoa and soup for lunches. I've dusted off some workout dvds and I'm going to make a CD either tomorrow or Tuesday of some jams to clean to. Think mambo meets vaccuming. Salsa while dusting. Booty popping while doing the dishes. It's going to be fabulous. And being the sappy quote enthusiast that I am, I've been putting a motivating, happy quote as the header for each page in my sexified tracker. One that really caught my interest was..

"What would it be like if you lived each day, each breath, as a work of art in progress? Imagine that you are a masterpiece unfolding, every second of every day, a work of art taking form with every breathe" - Thomas Crum

How lovely. What a beautiful mind set, one definitely worth adopting if you ask me. A masterpiece waiting to be sculpted, brilliant.

I'll be back tomorrow peaches!

Oh and Alexia, I'm serious. We're either going to toast champagne or a cupcake sometime after we both meet our goal. Mmmkay?

New Year, New Erin, Fashionably 20something Days Late

2011-01-21T21:34:00.001-05:00

Hey Lovebugs,

So for those who have been reading this blog for a while know that I’m a sappy quote enthusiast. I love quotes. I write them in books, I write them on post its and stick them everywhere, I retweet them on Twitter, I live by them and I love them. One of my favourite quotes is the very popular “No one can love you until you love yourself”. Now, I love the premise of it but I’m not sure if I agree with it anymore. I don’t love myself as much as I should, in fact, I love myself very little. Yet, people love me. So tell my muffins, what do you think? Can you be loveable without loving yourself? I know that self worth is so important and I really should love myself, I’m working on it.

I think I’ve been faking my motivation. Not for very long, but enough to make me feel like a big phoney. Part of my still doesn’t believe that I can lose weight. Maybe because I’ve never lost more than 35 pounds at a time. Maybe because I’m not pushing myself hard enough. As much as I don’t agree with the previous quote whole heartedly, I do believe that you aren’t going to be successful at anything unless you believe that you will be. Maybe that’s my problem. My motivation and belief in myself is fleeting. I need to work on not hating myself so much, it’s really sad.

I think Kerry talked about this in one of her posts but can you imagine being the absolute best version of yourself that you could be? I mean, yes, everyone could improve but there just seems like there is a lot of things I could work on. Its an ongoing battle, being the very best person you can be and I’m going to start on that mission. Bettering myself.

I’ve been looking online at some books that are about being more mindful. Of yourself, of what you eat, of your body. I think this would help a lot. Most of the books I’ve read reviews on have some Buddhist undertones which I don’t mind at all. Since late October I’ve been somewhat ‘test driving’ religions. I have been learning about them and trying to make sense of some things.Through doing that, I kind of fell in love with some Buddhist ideals. Now I’m not saying that I’m going to become a diehard Buddhist but I’m definitely going to look into it some more. I’ve never been a religious person, and I don’t know if I will ever be, but my spirituality could definitely use a sprucing up. Maybe a more Zen, Buddhist approach could help significantly with my constant overeating and binging problems. And hey, if it doesn’t help or work, at least I learned something which is always cool.

Anywho, I’m sure half of this post (if not more) can be categorized as rambling because I’ve got a raging headache and my gallbladder is contracting like a motherfrigger (I blame yesterdays banana and today's avocado). Also because I’m sleeping over at N’s house and the sound of Call of Duty: Black Ops has been scrambling my brain for the past 2 hours. Men and their videogames, huh? Nap time!!

P.S I just want to thank you guys for your ongoing support and advice. I love all your comments and I thoroughly appreciate all of your input. So don’t stop reading, don’t stop commenting! Now, this blog is going to start looking more like a weight loss blog (still with my personal going ons) and less like a whiney, ‘I can’t do it’ blog. Pictures, tracking, exercise logs coming soon. Starting my ‘New Year, New Erin’ project, just fashionably 20something days late ;o)

18 weeks till my –50lb goal. Let’s go!!!!!!!!

Over It

2011-01-20T23:18:00.002-05:00

Ok, I'm over my scale huff. Let's do this....

I’ve Got The Scale Huffs

2011-01-19T20:48:00.002-05:00

Hello Lovelies,

I have a bone to pick with the scale. I peeked at it, and it is not moving. I’m tracking, I’m doing everything I need to be doing. Why the hell isn’t it moving? There is no reason why it shouldn’t be. This morning I weighed myself, right after I saw the number, I…

got in a huff.

I’m not impressed. But I’m not going to let it get me into a funk. Screw that noise, and the scale. I’m going to keep doing what I know will work.

End rant

Motivation Feels Great

2011-01-17T21:37:00.001-05:00

Hey Darlings,

I’ve been officially tracking for 20 days, how awesome, right?

I’ve talked about how I stopped caring from the end of October to the end of December and how easy it was to gain 12 pounds. It’s a lot harder to track and plan and blog and well, care. But caring feels SO good. Sure going through tons of nutritional labels, figuring out points values and tracking is time consuming, but it’s something that I’m doing for myself because I care about me. Structure and planning really does make you feel better. I’ve also been accomplishing all of my daily goals, yay me! I love feeling motivated. I’m going to reach my birthday goal guys! I’m still debating on my birthday outfit, but when I decide, I’ll definitely show you!

Because I’m a bit of an art nerd, I decided to sexify my homemade tracker. For the life of me, I couldn’t find my actual tracker so I’ve just been using a generic notebook. But look how hot it looks now

I made it as a laminated book cover so I can still use it when all 160 pages are used up. Nerding it up.

I’ve decided my weigh in day. January 31st. Till then I’m going to get my activity in, water in and track, track, track.

Riding the wagon to 50lbs down

2011-01-13T20:02:00.001-05:00

Hello Sweethearts,

Can I just tell you guys something? I’ve been doing quite fabulously. I’ve been getting all my activity in, all my water and I’ve been tracking. It feels so good! Yesterday I made a veggie chili with kidney beans, chick peas, tons of diced tomatoes, corn, zucchini and mushrooms. I also made some ground turkey and roasted cauliflower on the side. I made a big pot of it and 1/4 of it is only 4 points so I have no idea how many points a bowl is. Super low, none the less. So yes, keeping up with my goals and doing what I need to do.

Just a quick update, I’ll be back soon.

:o)

The Goal: The Plan

2011-01-11T21:03:00.001-05:00

Hey Lovebugs,

I’ve been a shit blogger lately. I totally said I was going to blog about ‘the plan’ on Sunday or Monday. Better late than never, but never late is better, right? So here we go:

I’m going to lose 50 pounds before my 23rd birthday on May 30th. This is going to be the first weight loss related goal I’ve ever reached. Here is my plan…

Kickin’ It Old School

1.Tracking

I’m going to track everyday. Every single day.

2. Water

I’m going to drink at least 2L every day. Every single day.

3. Exercise

I’m going to exercise for 30 minutes everyday. Every single day.

Simple as hell right? What were you expecting? Some elaborate plan? Nope. Because I don’t need an elaborate plan. I need something realistic that will work. Am I going to eat deep green leafy spinach everyday, 5 times a day? No. Will I eat a cookie if I can ‘afford’ it? Perhaps. Will I run for 30 minutes straight? No. Well, not right away at least. But I will get up and do SOMETHING for 30 minutes. That right baby, I’m doing it this time. So <insert your all time favourite swear world starting with an f and ending with an ing> serious about this.

The Goal: For Real This Time

2011-01-08T23:27:00.003-05:00

Ok. I'm ready.

Goal: -50 pounds before May 30th, my 23rd birthday.

I'm going to make this goal. I'm going to make this goal. I'm going to make this goal. I know you've heard it all before, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to because I want to, have to, and can.

I'll be back either tomorrow or Monday for the plan.

I’m an addict

2011-01-07T21:33:00.001-05:00

Hey Everyone,

Because I have nothing better to do on a Friday night, I’m going to post another post with pictures.

Today my mama and I went to Chapters so I could pick up the book Water for Elephants (its supposed to be fantastic). After meandering through the aisles, she asked if I’d like to share a salted caramel hot chocolate. Waiting in line something caught my eye. A travel mug. A beautiful travel mug. Now, let me backtrack a bit. I have an addiction. A travel mug addiction. I tried to push it out of my mind while sharing the hot chocolate but in the end I knew if I didn’t get it I’d think about it until I eventually purchased it. I walked out of Chapters with the book and the mug. Jesus H. Christ.

This brings us to dinner. I hate hate hate throwing food out and I didn’t particularly feel like eating thick crust, delicious, ooey gooey pizza so I decided to MacGyver together a meal. A remixed version of chana masala (curried chickpeas) with sausage, corn, stewed tomatoes and rice. It was delicious.

Tonight’s dinner inspired me. I’ve decided that some time next week I’m going to make a veggie packed chili served on roasted cauliflower. Veggies galore! My body feels SO much better when I give it fresh food so I might as well. Tomorrows grocery trip will include a bushel of veggies, some sumatra coffee and probably some agave nectar.

Well off I go to re-watch Dexter season 1 with my mama, drink some Italian roast and enjoy a delicious Sicilian pastry. I’ve got the points, so I might as well indulge right?

Leave the gun, take the cannoli, right?

Tomorrow for breakfast I’m going to have a sliver of this banana bread for 2 points, my cup of green tea for 0 points, my shot of grapefruit juice for 0 points and my oats for 6 points. Yum!

Back On Top

2011-01-07T15:46:00.001-05:00

Hello Sweethearts,

I’ve been meaning to write a blog post for a while I just haven’t gotten around to it yet, how sloth like of me. Apologies.

Some of the ladies in my family got together Tuesday evening to go see Black Swan. I try to see all of the Oscar nominated films for ‘Best Picture’ before the Oscars and I guess the idea spread through my family, who also want to do the same thing. Awesome. So my mom, aunt, grandmother, best friend and I watched it together. I loved the movie, thought it was brilliant. I didn’t, however, love watching Mila Kunis go down on Natalie Portman with my grandmother sitting beside me. I realize that I’m an adult, and my grandma is super cool, but still….gross. Onto what I’m proud of: Making tea and taking crackers to the movie to snack on instead of movie popcorn. Awesome. What I’m not proud of: Spending the whole movie wishing I had a dancer body.

Ok, so maybe not a ballerina body, because lets face it, I like meat on my bones, just not a feast. I’d settle for Ciara’s body. Any day.

And I could have said body, but not for free. I’m going to have to work for it. What a concept. I realize teaming healthy eating with exercise is ideal. Burn the fat, nourish the body with good eats, shrink and be merry, right? Not quite sure which type of cardio (other than booty popping when I’m doing the dishes) I’m going to embrace, but I definitely need to do something.

All has been well on the eating/tracking front. I had a little gallbladder attack on Wednesday night and Thursday during the day but things seem to settling. After meeting Kerry last night, I’m full of motivation. She checked my tracker and gave it a good grade, thanks Mrs.K. When I first started tracking on the 29th, I tracked but I didn’t change the way I ate. Well that’s no good, right? So last night I cooked up some vanilla infused steel cut oats

and enjoyed some this morning for breakfast with vanilla yogurt and 1 tbsp of raisins.

It feels good to get back to pre-tracked, healthy breakfasts. I’m back to being motivated Erin, on top of her eating and her boyfri…well, moving on.

A couple of nights ago I found some super nice tops my cousin gave me a year or so ago. They fit but are super snug. No bueno. I’m going to rock them this summer. For sure.

My 23rd birthday is 20 weeks away. Dare I set a goal?

On The Wagon For a Month, NBD

2011-01-03T23:10:00.001-05:00

Hey Petunias,

Just a quick one tonight..

Today has been a good day. Drank my 2L, got 30 minutes of walking in, tracked, ate delicious chicken shwarma salad for lunch

I seriously forgot how much I love middle eastern food. I could nom that salad everyday, so yummy. For dinner I made scalloped potatoes, ham and corn. Again, delish.

And tomorrow I’m right back at it!

Oh and, some awesome bloggers and I decided to track (and stay on track) for the whole month of January. Please feel free to do the same, its not too late! 1 month, on the wagon, no big deal right? Give it a try, I dare ya!

4 Things I Gotta Do NOW

2011-01-02T21:16:00.001-05:00

Hey Doodlebugs,

Day 2 of tracking went pretty well due to the fact I hardly had to track anything. I think I’m coming down with either a tummy bug or a very light stomach flu. I’ve been pretty sick all day, hopefully black tea and a good nights rest will make a difference.

Unfortunately, I’ve lost my tracker. Damn thing grew legs and ran away, probably because I neglected it. So today I braved Wal Mart and picked myself up a generic, 160 page note book. I sat down, tracked all of my eats since December 29th and topped all of the pages for the next month with motivational quotes. Two of my favourites being:

“Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go”
– T.S Eliot

and

“The fishermen know the sea is dangerous and the storms are terrible, but they have never found this sufficient reason to remain on shore”
– Vincent Van Gogh

Moving stuff, huh?

I’ve been thinking about some things I need to change in order to be successful. They are the following..

Tracking:
Yes, I have been tracking, but I need to continue tracking.

Drinking water:
Water is SO important, SO easy to do but I easily forget. I must get back to filling up my bottles, keeping them in the fridge and finishing them before the day is done. When I was drinking at least 2L a day my skin looked better, my digestion was better and overall, I felt better.

Eating better:
So, I’ve been tracking, but I’ve noticed that I haven’t been eating well. I haven’t been snacking and then eating too much at meal times. Not good.

Moving more:
I’m lazy. I don’t like exercise, but its a necessary evil and must be done. I need to pick something every day to do to get my ass moving. And shrinking. And more toned.

Simple stuff. Not impossible, quite doable actually. How exciting.

2011,I'm Ready & Falling In Love with N, Again, At 3 A.M

2011-01-01T11:15:00.003-05:00

Its a new year. I spent the last moments of 2010 with people who I love and who love me, what could be better, right?

I decided not to go out. I guess I just wasn't ready and I didn't want to get there and have a panic attack, or spoil other peoples fun so I didn't. At midnight I wished some of the nearest and dearest 'Happy New Years' then fell asleep around 2ish.

At 2:50 I got a call from the man. Hm, weird, he should still be partying. He was a bit frantic telling me to get the heck out of bed and rush outside, don't get dressed, don't do anything but get my ass outside, there was something I needed to see. Me being a ding dong thought it might be shooting stars, or some kind of lunar eclipse that I somehow missed the buzz about. I rushed outside to see my man, in a suit and tie, blasting Stevie B's Because I Love You (inside meaning), popping a bottle of champagne. I walked up to him, still sleepy, and he said "Happy New Years baby, its midnight on the west coast". The whole thing was very Mr.Big from Sex and the City. I think right then and there, slow dancing in my pajamas, him in his suit, made me fall in love again. We danced, on the driveway for about an hour, swilling champagne (he only had a bit, seeing as he was driving) out of the bottle. I kissed him and told him to get back to his friends, I'd see him tomorrow. I think I woke up this morning with a smile...

I'm ready. Today's the first day of the rest of the year. I'm ready.

2010, Don’t Let The Door Hit Ya, Where The Good Lord Split Ya

2010-12-30T19:22:00.002-05:00

Hey Lovebugs,

*apologies for the scatter brained post, it was a really hard one to write*

I hate being a Gemini. I’m my own devils advocate, always. Part of me is so excited to start a new year and well, part of me can’t help but be sad. I hate when things end. How silly is that? TV shows, good books, relationships, and years apparently. I want so badly to recap the year and talk about how terrific it was, but I cannot bring myself to. Instead, full steam ahead. I’m not looking back. I’m not reflecting. I’m planning, and wishing, and drawing out my new life plan in my head. It’s a good feeling to feel empowered, excited about life and living and getting your shit together.

Still not sure what I’m doing for New Years and I absolutely hate being disorganized. It’s between two things
1. Going to a family friends place with a bunch of people, chill out in sweats and ring in the new year with cheap champagne

2. Dressing up, attending a hotel ballroom turned club in the ghetto and quite literally backing it up on the man to Juvenile’s ‘Back That Ass Up’. Yup, that’s me guys. Half semi-sophisticated, modest lady, half occasional hoodrat who can only dance with the guy, my back to his front (For those who haven’t heard the song, youtube it, I dare ya),
Either or, it will be fabulous.

I’m glad to see the holidays gone. I had a great Christmas my my family, everyone loved their presents, I loved all mine. But seriously, enough chocolate. Enough appetizers. Enough cookies, dear God, all the cookies. Today I went to the grocery store and picked up some yogurt, apples, bananas, and oats. Back to life, back to reality, back to being on track and I’m excited about that. I need to get my ass in some cute dresses and all those too small, too sexy panties this summer.

You know, for the past 2 months I haven’t been me. I’ve been a personal trying to cope with post traumatic stress disorder. I wish I could talk about it on here, but I just don’t think I can yet. I stopped caring. Why care about weight loss when you spend your time hating your body for what happened. Well, you gain 12 pounds and hate your body even more. Yup. I put the batteries in my scale and actually surveyed the damage. 12 pounds. Since Halloween, since it happened. So clearly not caring doesn’t work. I have to care and I realized that I do. I don’t want to hurt my body anymore. While I’m working through what happened with a councillor, I also plan on talking to someone about my binging. I hate what that person did to me, I don’t want to hate myself for hurting me anymore.

Onwards and downwards.

2011: The Year of Excitement?

2010-12-28T23:00:00.000-05:00

Hey Everyone,

I’m back today, as promised.

With the new year approaching, I’m looking at it in a very Gemini way of looking at things, with two different mindsets.

A.) A new year, a new start, a new way to make things better

B.) It’s just another day, nothing to get worked up about

However, I need something to get excited about so I’m going with A. If I think about all the time I’ve ‘wasted’ not losing weight, I will drive myself crazy. I’ve layed in bed, late at night, almost to tears thinking about the years I’ve ‘wasted’, time flowing through my hands like the sand from beaches in which I haven’t frolicked in a bikini on. But there is absolutely no point in that, I wont do it anymore. So I’m choosing to get excited for 2011. I’m going to get excited about eating properly again, tracking, living life with a healthy outlook and meeting my new body. The body I’m going to have to work for, earn.

2010 was filled with very high highs and extremely low lows and I think its safe to say, I’m done with the low lows. I would never allow someone to call me some of the things I call myself and I don’t think people think the horrible things about me that I do. How messed up is that? I’m done disrespecting myself. The binges, the glares in the mirror, the horrible put downs, it needs to stop. I will never succeed if I think I’m always going to fail.

I have yet to name 2011 as the year of ___________, but it will come to me.

Tonight I had a lovely dinner date with one of my blog friends turned in real life friends, Kerry (over at Skinny Me...Coming Soon). We went to Swiss Chalet, seeing as it’s pretty point friendly, and got caught up. Kerry always has been a great source of motivation for me. We make a good team. Seeing as we’re both sliding off the tracks slowly, but surely, we decided to make a weekly/bi-weekly meet up to keep ourselves accountable, motivated and enthusiastic. We’re lucky that we have a Swiss Chalet, Fortinos (with a sandwich bar and a coffee spot in it), Second Cup and Starbucks near us so we can sit and talk about our week, upcoming goals and what not. I’m really thankful that this blog has brought me close to so many wonderful people. Tonight’s date with Kerry really helped spark my motivation and it also gave me an opportunity to open up to her about something that happened after Halloween that I really needed to get off my chest. Next Thursday we have another date and we both have to produce a filled out tracker. Game, Set, Match Kerry!

I’ll be back soon, for real.

My New Motto

2010-12-27T22:33:00.002-05:00

My motto for the rest of the month and January....

"Always look forward, don`t look back"

..and that's what I'm going to try my very hardest to do.

I'll be back tomorrow and post all about my new outlook, my plan and my fab date with Kerry

Do Over

2010-12-21T21:41:00.001-05:00

This is my second blog post of the day. The first blog post I started at 9am. In between doing other things, I’d sit and write a couple more paragraphs, some more sentences. I wrote 847 words. Mid sentence I had a tiny a-ha moment. Those 847 words were pathetic. Here’s the condensed version of my lengthy, morose motherfucker (catch the reference?) styled post:

-I’ve lost my motivation and I’m totally out of control
-My sister broke my iPod and I’m devastated
-I’m giving myself daily panic attacks because I’m so overcome by the feeling that I wont get into university (according to one school I should hear within 3 weeks. Applied on the 11th, should hear by Jan 1st, keep your fingers crossed for a chick)
-I’ve got a wicked head/chest cold
-I haven’t bought all my Christmas gifts yet
-I have no idea what I’m doing for New Years Eve. I’m debating between a party in a hotel ballroom, or sitting around with my family and friends, chilling in sweats

Sigh. Enough is a-fucking-nough. Time to..

Mhm. That’s what needs to be done. I’ve been down in the dumps for a while and it’s just not working. I finally popped some new batteries into my scale and saw a hideous number. A number I haven’t seen since wayyy before I started this blog. A number I am so embarrassed about, I cannot even post a scale shot of. Ay dios mio! High sodium, high carb, high fat, high calorie, low fibre, low give a shit meals and snacks really do sneak up on you, huh? Whoever said Christmas calories don’t count is a low down, dirty liar.

There, that’s a little bit better. Christmas/Holiday calories are very real and it just foes to show you that when you get all loosey, goosey with your eating plan, everything goes to hell.

I have been saying the same thing for a year. That I am capable to doing this, I am in control, if I want it badly and work for it, it will happen. That I was going to get on track and stay there, get rid of all the weight that I want to get rid of. And I haven’t. I will not hit my December goal. I have every reason to feel like a big, fat failure. I could make a long list of why I haven’t been successful, why I suck so hard at this weight loss thing, why I have yet to 100% realize that watching what I eat will have to stay with me, for the rest of my life. But I’m not going to. I didn’t turn my day from having 4 crying fits before 9am to acting like a more emotionally stable adult for nothing. Being down on yourself is shitty, it makes you feel like a loser and that’s not going to help me right now. Nope, not one bit.

Instead, I will make a mini plan to carry me through the rest of the holidays. I will not go into the New Year feeling sad and disappointed in myself. Fuck that. I’m going to track down my tracker, track the ‘damage’ from today and keep tracking, every day till January 1st. I mean sure, the best thing to do would be to track every meal, snack or bite for 365 days, but lets be real, I’m not a goal person. I wish I could be, but every goal I have set, I haven’t met. Hm, wonder what that says about me, yikes. But yes, I’m committing to tracking for 12 days. I need to do something.

I absolutely need to do something. Not doing anything has royally f’ed me over. So tonight, I will do something about my slump. I’m going to portion out my dinner and track it. I’m going to play some Just Dance on the Wii. I’m going to paint my nails gold and I’m going to get down the the guy I’m in love with.

Fantasy World

2010-12-14T19:21:00.001-05:00

Whoever said Christmas calories don’t count is living in a fantasy world. My fantasy world, actually. Oh, you’re not familiar with this mythical place? Well then, let me tell you all about it.

In this fantasy world, you forget all about routines and points. There is no such thing as calories or fat. You just go on about your days, drinking, eating, nibbling and noshing on whatever you want, whenever you want to. There are no scales, no tight pants to remind you of your ever expanding waist lines, no worries.

Of course this place isn’t real, friends. Really, it’s not. I’ll let that one sink in for a minute….

It’s in exists only in our minds. That comfortable feeling you get taking second helpings, drinking regular pop instead of diet, stop tracking, cal counting and monitoring.

This is where I have been residing.

My scale is broken, I’ve been busy, I’ve conveniently misplaced my tracker, I haven’t been putting effort into planning meals, choosing healthy choices. Haven’t been trying at all. Damn this constant state of fleeting motivation/inspiration/determination.

So aside from living in my fantasy world, I’ve been up to a lot. Holiday plans, family traditions, applying to university, crash course Christmas shopping. So, so much! I think I’ve got 2-3 free days before Christmas, madness right? I’m super nervous about my university applications. I’m a natural born pessimist so it’s in me to expect the worst, but if you guys say “I hope Erin gets into university” out loud with a smile, maybe it might help my chances. Thanks guys! Crossing my fingers till I hear.

All of these holiday parties, get togethers, dinners, latte dates are killing me. I used to think I was a strong person. I used to think that once I got something in my mind, I had to have it/ or do it. And I would. But all these motherfriggin’ holiday events are proving that I have the willpower of a crackhead doing the backstroke in a pool of blow. Put a platter of pork potstickers, vegetable springrolls, sausage rolls, crackers and cheese, chips with dip etc and my willpower is shot to shit. Thank Christ we don’t have any boxes of chocolates. And no grape pop or grape ‘drink’ ala Dave Chappelle. I’m a sucker for all that sickly sweet non diet pop.

The downward spiral isn’t as bad as you may think. I’m pretty sure I’ve been maintaining my weight, but just barely. Before I know it, maintaining will turn into gaining. No bueno.

I’m going to try and blog more this week, but first I have to shake this ‘fat is my fate/oh I feel so helpless’ attitude. Lord knows I post a ‘I can SO do this, I am capable of this’ at least once a week, they must be losing their authenticity.

I’m off to watch a Christmas movie and hopefully get into the holiday spirit and pep up a bit.

Out Of Order

2010-12-05T21:55:00.001-05:00

Hello Sweethearts,

I think I’ve recovered from the lack of sleep and all the craziness. My eating has been bad since Wednesday, not horrible, but not good. I’ve been going through long periods of not having anything, then eating maybe too much when I do. Sigh, what a vicious cycle huh?

So after such a shittastic week, I decided to hop on the scale and take a peek of what this weekend cost me. Turns out I currently weigh 125 lbs. Wow, really? So either my scale is broken or it needs new batteries. In the mean time, I’ll try not to freak out about it being temporarily out of order.

This weeks goals:

-Tracking everything and getting lots of water in, same as always

3 Day Recap

2010-12-05T14:51:00.001-05:00

I’m alive. Albeit, barely (well that might be just a bit of a dramatization), but none the less, I’m here. Now for a recap..

Wednesday, post blog post:

I caught the 4:45 bus to Malton where my cousin who I was going to Buffalo with lives. She was getting off work at 7:00 so I kicked around my grandparents house for a bit until she picked me up. All day my mom was telling me keep listening to the weather reports, if there was lots of snow, or freezing rain, to not go at all. I made sure I checked the weather report, everything seemed fine. We got some coffee and off we went. The drive to the border was smooth, no unfortunate weather, no traffic, perfect. We crossed into the United States, cruising down the I90, and BAM, white out conditions. We were probably a minute away from our exit and traffic was stopped. We inched forward for a bit and finally got off the highway. I had booked a room on Hotwire a couple of days before about 10 minutes from the Walden Galleria mall in Buffalo. The snow was progressively getting worse. We couldn’t read the street signs, couldn’t see the car in front of us, couldn’t find the hotel. At 1:00am, after driving around in such horible weather, we decided to head back towards the mall at check into a hotel near there. Half an hour later we pulled into a motel, and noticed that the I90 S was still stopped. The man at the hotel told us that if we stayed the night at the hotel, we would be snowed in the next day. Insert panic. Because I wasn’t the driver, I had no business telling my cousin that we needed to make our way back to the highway and get out of Buffalo. In a way, I was scared to get back on the road, but I knew that we could not get snowed in. So off we went. After driving for about 4 minutes on the highway, heading back towards the border, the snow had stopped. The road was dry. No more snow. I’ve never, ever, been through crazy weather like that. We ended up pulling into a hotel about 20 minutes from the border, at 4:30am.

Thursday:

-Up at 8:30am

-Shopped

-Home at 4:00pm

-Dead tired, fell asleep at 7pm for 20 minutes

-The man picked me up, stayed at his house, watching movies and sucking face

-Home at 3:30am, sleep at 4.

Friday (the day before Sarah&Holly’s birthday party):

-Up at 8am

-Cleaned the house for 2 hours

-Errand on top of errands…stopped at Toys R Us, Walmart, Fortinos, the dollar store, lawyers office, the bank, Zellers, my grandparents house to pick up some things, Bulk Barn, Toys R Us again, the bank again, the grocery store again, M&Ms…that brings us to 9pm.

-Got home, baked and decorated my cousin’s cake

-Showered, curled my hair with a flat iron for the first time, I think it turned out pretty good

-The man picked me up, we got coffee, talked until he dropped me off at 4am

-Sleep

Saturday, Party Day:

-Up at 7:30. I had to make the ice cream cake so it would set in time for the party

-Straighten up the house

-Grab a couple last minute items

-Got ready, threw on some clothes, some fake eyelashes and a little eyeliner. It was the first time in a bit that I felt really pretty, it’s a great feeling, right?

-People came at 3:00pm

-PARTY

-People left at 12:00am

-12:10, SLEEP!

Seriously, these parties drain me. 35+ people, family, family friends, the kid’s friends..craziness. We had SO much food, more food than I thought we needed. Apps: Mozzarella sticks, pork pot stickers, veggie spring rolls, chips, cream cheese, salsa and shredded cheese dip with tortilla chips, veggies and dip, sausage rolls, shrimp. Main: Rotisserie chicken, Roast beef, Veggie lasagna, Cheese pizza, pasta salad, ceasar salad, coleslaw, and buns. Dessert: Chocolate cake, Chips ahoy ice cream cake

and Timbits. Thank goodness for leftovers, no cooking for a couple days.

So today, I’m vegging out. I thought I would post an update as to why I haven’t been posting.

I’ll be back tonight.

:o)

Gotta Keep Motivated

2010-12-01T15:51:00.002-05:00

Hey Guys,

Just wanted to write a quick post today to keep me on top of things.

Today is my little sister (aka little mama)'s 8th birthday. I made her brownies (and had some, shit...crap...ugh...but whatever, I'm moving on) and I'm going to wish her a very happy birthday at exactly 7:15pm, the minute she was born. Given the huge age gap between me and my siblings (same parents, my mom had me when she was 22. After I was born she went to college to be a nurse and both of them sorted their shit out and made a life for us and Ben and Sarah followed), we're extremely close. I'm parent number 3, second mom, and Ben and Sarah are my life. We're having a huge joint birthday party for her and my cousin, who will be turning 6, at my house on Saturday. So between having to eat out 2-4 meals today and tomorrow, and her birthday party, I'm a bit worried about Monday's weigh in. But life happens, things come up and we have to adapt, right?

Wow, this is turning into a rambly post so I'll wrap it up. Hopefully I'll get around to posting tomorrow but I will be tracking, absolutely.

Love always,

Erin

Tracking: Day One

2010-11-30T22:12:00.001-05:00

Hi Everyone,

Back as promised. Day 1 down :o)

With, dare I say, some points left over. To be honest, it felt good. Tracking is one of those things, at least for me, that feels so right while you’re doing it, in the routine, but it’s so easy not to. Tracking gives me structure, which leads to results. Simple.

Tomorrow I’m going to Buffalo, NY with my cousin. We’re leaving at 8:00pmish, coming back Thursday (who knows what time, she’s a crazy shopaholic) so I will not be able to blog tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll be able to blog Thursday though. I will, however, absolutely be tracking. 100%. Obviously I will be eating out but I’m going to try my very best to have the healthiest options. I’m actually looking up restaurants around the area where we’ll be staying so I can pick out the healthiest options. It’s all about being prepared, right?

I’m off to bed soon, I’ll be blogging soon guys!

P.S What’s this I hear about fruits being 0 points now? Fill me in homies!

Goals, Revisited

2010-11-29T21:48:00.001-05:00

Hey Guys,

I’m not posting today’s weigh in because it’s a miniscule gain and the first thing I thought when the numbers popped up was ‘*Bleep* this, where’s the mother*bleeping* cookies?’. Not good. Not good at all. I also cancelled my doctors appointment because I just cannot bear to hear the whole spiel oh how much I desperately need to lose weight, and how horrible carbs are. Now, I know. I’m not being mature about it, but I just know it would make me feel terrible and I don’t want to feel terrible. After cancelling my appointment I realized that I have not reached a goal that I have set, regarding weight, in a LONG time. Everyone knows that setting goals is very important, and I’m determined to set a mini goal and achieve it.

I want to lose 10 pounds by December 30th.

The first step I’m going to take is to post my WW tracking sheet every day this week, starting tomorrow. This will ensure that I track everyday and keep myself accountable.

I’ve got a raging headache that just might be turning into a migraine, so I’m off to bed.

I’ll be back tomorrow with my eats, hopefully no headache and lots and lots of joyous motivation.

How Comfortable is Too Comfortable and Checkers AKA Sex

2010-11-26T16:38:00.002-05:00

I’m wearing a sweater in my house a.) because its bloody freezing outside and b.) I’m covering 2 massive hickeys, I feel like I’m 15 again. Barf.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m too comfortable where I am. I’ve been relatively the same size for at least 5 years, I have nothing to compare my current body with. Sure when I was younger I was smaller, but I can hardly compare my 13 year old body to my 22 year old one. My family has never really discussed my weight with me, neither has my friends. I’ve never had a problem finding men, I’ve always been talking to someone, dating someone or been in a long term, serious relationship since I started high school. I’ve always tried my hardest to keep my self esteem and confidence issues to myself. Not being able to accept compliments was always due to me being ‘modest’, never about me refusing to believe them. I’ve never not done things because I wasn’t happy with my body, I just dreaded them for the whole week prior to. My body has never stopped me from doing anything, I’ve only missed out on small things, that don’t really matter in some ways, but matter the most in others. Bikinis, defined collarbones, bare midrifts, you know, stuff like that.

Another big thing is checkers…er…sex. Sex is great and I have never, in 6 years, been through a dry spell. Do I love my body? No. Has that ever stopped me from doing great things with it? No. I mean sure, I get self conscious, but a lot of girls do. Most of the time the guy (or girl) doesn’t notice what you’re standing there fretting about anyways. Sex makes us feel better about ourselves as well, and I’m a firm believer that it is one of the best ways to get some extra exercise in. But in order to get some activity points in, you need to work it. You need to put a lot into it, get down, get dirty, get your heart rate going….invest everything in it. The end result will be lots of racked up activity points. And some serious bruises.

On your outer thighs. Brings a whole new meaning to ‘Hurts So Good’.

I’m off to catch some much needed sleep, have a great weekend!
P.S Whenever I post twice in one day, the previous post gets erased, does anyone know why this happens? Very annoying!

Posting to Post

2010-11-23T21:56:00.001-05:00

Hey Everyone,

Just a short post because I felt like posting, without having a lot to say, weird I know.

My little mama (my sister, Sarah) was debating what to have for dinner when she decided she would have a ‘spinach smoodie’ aka a Green Monster.

How freakin’ cute, right? She loves them!

I found a picture of me, 9 years ago..

13 years old, who knows what I weighed back then, but I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. To know then what I know now, right? Onwards and downwards!!

AAANNNDDD I changed my header again, oye vey!

Todays eating was a bit all over the place, tomorrow I vow to be more focused and to track, I really need to get back into tracking! TRACK TRACK TRACK!!

The Weigh In Where I’m Pleasantly Surprised

2010-11-22T15:21:00.002-05:00

Hello Buttercups,

I had a great weekend. Saturday was Brampton’s Santa Claus parade. My mom, brother, sister, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandad, best friend, her mother (my second mama) and I went. Ben, Sarah and Holly really enjoyed themselves. The first half an hour was spent with Ben and Sarah throwing mini fits because they couldn’t see. That problem was easily fixed by me putting each of them on my shoulders for 20 minutes each. That’s 80 something and 70 something pounds on my shoulders. Needless to say, I’m still sore. But they enjoyed themselves, so that’s all I care about. We went back to my aunts house for pizza and games. After that I met up with some friends for some beers and two stepping. Sunday my family came over to watch the Toronto Santa Claus parade, we decorated gingerbread houses and had dinner. The man picked me up late and we went to his house for a bit. I really hate to incorporate him in this blog, but ugh, I’m..well..we’re in such a good spot. I love being around him. He has really helped my self esteem and my confidence after my last relationship ended. His smile makes me smile, it makes my stomach flutter. Disgusting, right? I don’t know guys, I cannot wipe this obnoxious grin off my face.

I don’t know how I can sum up this past week. I went through days of huge point deficits, then ate a little too much on other days. I need to find a fine balance and settle in there. Yesterday I grabbed some things at the grocery store that I needed for breakfasts and lunches. Baby spinach, frozen strawberries, yogurt, low point soups and tuna. Now, me and tuna split up for a bit. After eating it everyday, plain, on Bernstein, I was totally turned off it, but I’m willing to try it again. I think I’m going to make some tuna salad in a lettuce wrap.

After such a weird week, here’s my Weigh In:

-3.2

Yay! Onward and downward! I feel the need to somewhat thank the man for the loss. I'm sure last nights furious...uh...checkers game helped with it. Heh heh.

Here’s something I found on Tumblr, it’s perfect so I thought I’d share it with all you lovely people:

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Play more games.
6. Read more books than you did in 2009.
7. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
8. Sleep for 7 hours.
9. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
10. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
11. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
12. Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
13. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
14. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
15. Dream more while you are awake.
16. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
17. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
18. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
19. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
20. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
21. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
22. Smile and laugh more.
23. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Society:
24. Call your family often.
25. Each day give something good to others.
26. Forgive everyone for everything.
27. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
28. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
31. Do the right thing!
32. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
33. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
35. The best is yet to come.
36. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Oh, and lqty (laugh quietly to yourself) often